Calling

What a mysterious thing. I have grappling with my calling as of late. Asking deep questions about what it means to be "called" to something or somewhere. When I left Mexico, I was almost certain that I was headed into a specific time of victory in my life. I had this feeling like, "This is my chance. I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. This is my chance to be the overcomer I have always wanted to be." I thought that was my calling.

But today sings a different tune. And I find myself compelled to find the reality hidden in its melodies. What do I really know about myself? What do I really know about my calling?

One thing I know. That I have been called to desperately hunger for God. To long, to seek, to desire Him beyond the possible, and trust in Him for impossible measures of His presence. I have been called to burn for Him. Before my petitions for His gifts, before my plans for His ministry, before my own ideas of the person He should mold me to be. And I am so very hungry. I have been set on fire, I feel it in my bones. I know it to be my unique calling.

But it doesn't speak to me in specifics. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should sign up for ten months in the pink house or move back to Mexico. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should pursue graphic design or go to seminary. And to be honest, these last four months in spiritual terms could best be described as a series of wrong turns and last minute cries for grace, not the triumphal parade that played out in my expectations. What is God trying to say?

I was so convinced that Fresno was it. That I could make a difference here. Because I love my family, I love my church, and I love the people of this city. I thought that was enough. That somehow an opportunity would emerge for me to serve, to grow, to contribute something more. Something out of what I had gained during those five months. But so far, it has been business as usual.

At first I was convinced it was because God was trying to teach me something about that first calling. About my first love. But can that be a life? Just loving God all day long, praying all day long, worshiping all day long, with absolutely no sense for where you are headed except for closer to Him? So many would say no. Just the idea of such an existence contradicts every American sensibility I have.

But all I want to do is be with Him.

So I come back to the question. What does it mean to be called? Tonight, it brings me peace to know that I don't have to have the answer to that question.

All I have to do is trust. And there is so much joy to be found in that understanding that I can so easily get lost in it and forget I was ever wondering about calling at all. I have been swept away by His love, who knows where I'm going?

to thine own self be true

Here is what I have realized. You are who you are. And your problems... whatever they may be... are yours and yours alone. Thats what I need to understand.

You can't run away from them. You can't run to Mexico, you can't run to the arms of a lover, you can't even run home. Because most of them are inside of you. And you are who you are.

You can't ignore them. You can't blind your eyes with television, you can't turn your dreams towards better things, you can't pretend everything is just ok.

You can't make excuses for them. You can't say, "I'll fix myself tomorrow." or, "It's how I grew up." or even, "It's not that bad."

You can't stop being you. So whatever is inside of you... first and foremost... be honest about it. Today and everyday, "to thine own self be true."

So tomorrow, give yourself the gift of honesty. Let go of the image you've been projecting and take a good long look in the mirror. Stop trying to hide. Behind the technology. Behind the fantasy. Behind the money. Behind the lust. Behind life itself.

Tomorrow, and everyday, you are who you are.

Wow. Okay, it has been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog, and reading back over past posts I realize how great a distance I have come in how I see myself.

About a month ago I got back from a five month "discipleship training school" in Mexico. God changed everything for me. He chose that time in my life to answer some of the questions I had been asking a long long time. He chose that time to heal me of the loneliness I couldn't remember living a day without. All those "deep" things I talk about in my old posts... He became the piece that fit in all those caverns in my soul. And now I am alive. I don't know what other way to put it. Like our good friend Job says after his major encounter with the Lord...

"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."

Maybe thats all that needs to be said. I recant of my former statements about myself. I am uniquely beautiful... full of desire, longing, and burning for the LORD. I am not going to let the lies of the enemy overcome me anymore. So my blog wont be quite as darkly poetic as used to be, but I am new excited for this new chapter. I'm ready to share with you the things I am passionate about. Ready to engage in the conversation of how we can make this world a better place. Ready to just let myself be human, just like everybody else, and walk this life out together, doing the best we can to shine a light.

So yeah. Lets get moving.

Angela

cognitive dissonance

it is rare occasion that i find myself so full of thoughts that they crowd themselves on their way out the door. so much is changing... so fast. my spirit goes war with my flesh as a massive, universal, but deeply personal, war wages on right on the boundaries of my understanding. its all cognitive dissonance and huge leaps. i mean... here i am... its the middle of the night... and i'm in this moment that seems to be a repeat off the hundreds of similar moments that passed before. anxiety... regret... a "i have no idea how i am going to pull this off" kind of feeling. except it feels different in that every moment brings me closer to the challenge. what was i thinking... dreaming this dream of serving in mexico. i mean... lets just be honest for a second. am in the least bit deserving of the kind of provision its going to take to get me there? no. am i ever really deserving of the air i would breathe on my way there. not really. if you even knew the amount of fights i have lost, and miserably so, i'm sure you would be embarrassed just to know me. i know i am. i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i have stepped so far out what is right, what is good, what is sensible, i hardly know what any of those things are anymore. and like the prodigal son... i have tried to "come to my senses" a hundred times over just to find myself back at the feet of idols and hour later. eventually i have to go one way or the other... right? i mean how much cognitive dissonance can a person handle before the paths between their mind and heart get completely fried? i feel like my realities are ripping themselves apart... and me with them.

how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.

the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.

Fragments.

There are things that I love in this life... none of them have to do with the world.

I want to go home... in more ways than one.

I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.

Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.

Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.

Do you think I should drive in the dark?

I want to go home.

Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.

I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.

Crying at my desk.

I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.

Broken fragments.

Courage, Love, and the Fight.

in my heart i know that i am the kind of woman who could believe in extraordinary things. but in these last few weeks i have discovered that before i can begin to believe in the deep, spectacular adventure that the future holds for all of us... i have got to start believing in myself. or maybe rather... what God has put in me. i don't know... i haven't quite hashed out the subtleties of it all. and you know what else i have learned? that beyond all the big ideas and suppositions... at the core of a true believer... lies courage. and even deeper than courage lies hope. hope is both the reason for, and the product of courage. my heart beats a little faster when i think about it... what if i had just a little more courage than i had right now? what if i was just a little bit bolder and stronger? what kind of choices could i make... how many deceptions could i overcome... how many people could i see set free? could i be free? do i dare even ask the Lord for such a precious gift? courage. the courage to believe that i am something more than what they say i am. the courage to choose something better than temporary fixes and hiding places i find myself dwelling in now.

every great love story starts with some courageous act or choice, big or small, from one or both of the people involved. i guess somewhere inside of me i just always assumed that he (my future husband) would be the one to arrive on a white horse, having battled through this life to get to me. that i would simply be rescued and from that moment forward my life would begin, in peace. and that i would never have to fight again. but the more i look at that story... as i peel away the top layers of desire and daydreams... i begin to see the shallowness of it all.

i know in my heart that i was born to be a fighter. i was born on the battlefield. and all my life i have lived in a sort of broken independence... a kind of forced autonomy. i have been fighting for so long... for as long as i can remember. and i have so many scars to show for it. so my first instinct as i grow older and learn more about who i am... is to run as far as i can from the battle. to denounce my self as too cowardly and too weak for victory. because if i don't fight than i can't get hurt right? so i spent so many years tearing myself down. incapacitating myself so that i couldn't fight. wouldn't have to fight. but it doesn't change the fact that there is a war going on inside of me.

Without Jesus

(Note: this a blog entry that i wrote quite some time ago and never finished or published.)

something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.

So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)