Deep Sea Diving

i wonder if there is any clarity left to be found. i wonder if my message is more than just dissonance and jumbled words. if i am saying something that you cant understand, because the idea is too big, or the words too ambitious, i am the one with the problem, not you. i am the one that lacks wisdom, knowledge, faith. i was born in to the world to carry the beauty of the most high God, but rather i drag around garbage and leave some behind when i go away. it doesnt matter how much i love you, it doesnt matter if i sing my song over your soul, it doesnt matter if i lay at your feet word pictures or expressions of gratitude. there is a brokeness inside of me that doesnt get washed away when the rain falls or burned away when the fire roars. and there is a reality to the fact that i am only writing this to myself because it is by hearing too much that ears go deaf and it is the repetition of a story that causes it to lose its meaning. and mine has become utter nonsense. in a way i have kind of accepted it. i fought and fought for so long. "it matters! it hurts! it shouldnt be this way!" maybe it doesnt matter what should and shouldnt be, maybe i was wrong. maybe it doesnt hurt, maybe im an emotional hypochondriac. it doesnt matter how much i love you. i used to believe that nothing within me was hidden. that i was a treasure chest floating on top of an ocean, readily available to those who would only go out on the water. but now i know differently, i am deep, deep on the bottom of an ocean, where light does not reach. it requires strength enough to part the sea to discover the mystery of my inmost being. but what does all these lofty images mean anyway? nothing to me. for i am the smallest chest on the bottom of the deepest ocean, and my friends are the electric deep sea fishes and the occasional sunken ship.

p.s. there is one note i would like to add to this post. i am sorry, i am so sorry. i am out of ideas of how to change. it was never my ideas that mattered in the first place anyway.

He makes us small and then asks us to do big things. He gives us weakness and then calls us to be strong. He brings us lower so that our hearts will petition for his uplifting. Lord God, you who cannot lie, why do you create in me such foolishness and then command wisdom? I cant take it anymore! I dont want it! and as i speak these angry and forbidden words my heart realizes its own misunderstanding. but why God? why take a person of good intentions, of heartfelt compassion and libations of the soul and break them at your feet? why not have mercy? why not let the flowers grow over the graves of their past? why not heal those with no faith? why not heal me Father? why must i wait here in darkness of my own doing when you have the power to rescue me now? why make me dark in the first place? what is this game of free will and love and sacrifice? All i have before you now is fear, trembling, and bitterness. the roots of my love, the roots of my heart are like oil on the ocean shore, clinging onto every beautiful thing of the air and bringing it back down to the ground. And in the wake of my failures my mind speaks lies. "listen to me now, listen to me now. maybe if you didnt care so much it wouldnt hurt so bad. let yourself go because you are not who you think you are. how many times must i show you until you believe? there is comfort in apathy, there is comfort in the apostasy that masks itself as acceptance, there is strength in darkness that pretends to be light." why does he (the enemy) want me? please just leave me alone, please just stop. i find myself on my knees begging the enemy for mercy because as much time as i have spent on face before the Lord i feel like i havent seen any of his. Lord dont you know im so tired. lord didnt you hear me when i said no more, im out, i just cant stand the heat so i am getting out of the kitchen. turn your face from me for i shall surely die Lord! THERE IS NOTHING BUT BROKENESS BEFORE ME! i have become a beast in the sight of men and every beauty has been stripped to barreness.

but the Lord said...

"I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

- Hosea 2:23