Sunday's Schedule

Church... 9a - 12:00p

Prayer Encounter Team Meeting... 2:00p - 3:30p

Church Softball Team Practice... 4p - 5:30p

Christian Rock Worship Roadshow... 6p - who knows when

Finishing Fresno First LIFE Newsletter... somewhere in between all that.

Spending time with God and resting on the Sabbath... probably not going to be able to squeeze that in this Sunday.

Wow. It just kills me to think about it. Ok yeah... part of it is my fault for saying yes to these various "meetings" in the first place. Its true that if I don't like the fact that softball practice is on Sundays, then I don't have to join the Softball team. Its true that if there is a ministry team that meets on Sundays, then I don't have to join that team. But what am I supposed to do... just quit doing ministry? The Church has gotten so used to being busy on Sundays because they can't catch peoples attention any other day of the week. They can't seem to convince people to sacrafice a night of LOST or Grey's Anatomy to head over to the Church for a ministry team meeting. So the solution has commonly been to beat as much stuff into a sunday as is possible. Which is totally crazy to me! What... like God isn't as important on any other day of the week? If you really want to do ministry... you'll sacrifice things... and you'll cut stuff out of your schedule so you'll be there and you can serve and you can grow. But the one day that we are taught to keep holy, as a day rest and sanctification, we trample all over with our own plans. The Church is the biggest Sabbath killer in my life. But at the end of the day... I have to realize that it comes down to my choices. I have got to learn to say no. Cause I don't think God accepts the excuse "the Church made me do it". He'd probably just say right back to me, "You are the Church, do something about it!"

Slo-pitch.

So for those of you who don't know... I just recently joined the Fresno First CO-ED Slo-Pitch Softball team. We play on Friday nights at Lincoln Elementary if you ever want to come hang out and watch a game. But yeah... I really enjoy it. Our coach... he is just the kind of guy you can tell totally legit. For him, the game, the team, the process, its all about glorifying the Lord. And as I was listening to him pray for the team at practice a couple of fridays ago... I was just really moved. What great faith... to know that God is with us and for us in even the "simplest" of things. But its really not simple at all. Its an adventure. Its living and breathing and laughing and playing hard... and witnessing to others through our character and sportsmanship. Lol... please forgive me if I am getting all hyper-symbollic on you;) I just really excited/passionate about things that are... real. And not only that but while I was pondering my Coach's amazing motivations... I started to wonder about my own. What exactly am I doing on a softball team? I mean... look at me. Just look at me. I have absolutely no coordination or athletic ability... I am completely out of shape, overweight, and harboring a secret eating disorder. So first I was like... what business do I have on a Softball team? But then I tried looking at it from another perspective. If I was a healthy and happy version of myself... looking at the current version of myself... what would I see? Would I tell that person... hey you probably shouldn't join our team cause you'll just slow us down? Probably not. I would probably see that person's adventurous spirit and positive attitude, and over time I would begin to respect their courage in playing hard even though they don't have the same abilities as everyone else. And at the end of the day... I would find inspiration and encouragement in the courageous actions of my team mate. We should follow our dreams, live hard, play hard, no matter what curveballs our life throws us. And if for me that means going out there every friday and striking out... then its worth it. I want to play Softball because I know I am more than the sum of all my parts, and that if I can choose to be courageous in the "simplest" of things, maybe I will learn to be courageous in my faith. Which, at the end of the day, is the only thing that matters to me. So yeah... come out and chillax with the Fresno First team this friday at Lincoln Elementary at 6:15pm cause I'm bringing snacks:)

Being Nowhere.

ok so now i remember why i stopped blogging. cause sometimes it can make you feel really... echoey. like you just put your voice out there and all it does is bounce off the walls. and when you get a hefty dose of that during the day... its not very encouraging to come home and relive it all over again. like right now. except this time i didn't go home. in fact... i dont really see the point of going home. it doesn't really feel like my home... its just another place. another option. in fact, right now, all places pretty much feel the same. i could go hang out with an old friend at starbucks, lay in the grass at a park, call in sick tomorrow and go to the beach, go on a shopping spree and revamp my wardrobe, make a pilgramage to somewhere holy, down a box of ice cream, indulge my desires, punish myself for my disobedience, sleep, breathe, live, die... it doesnt matter. nothing is going to change the disconnect i feel right now. trust me... i know. because I have tried everything I even know how to think of. and i have over analyzed every possible solution, every possible path to redemption. but at the end of the day it all comes out the same. the same root always remains solidly in place. so thats why i am sitting here, in my office, wasting time, burning daylight, and counting down to who knows what. its days like these that cause me to question everything i believe about myself. am i really cut out for ministry? should i leave youth ministry until i get my act together? could God really have any purpose for me? am i storing up both temporal and eternal consequences with my behavior? how many more days will i waste lost in loneliness, fear, and brokeness?

do any of you ever feel this way? do you ever find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking? i know there has got to be someone out there. does anyone ever feel like no ones got thier back? is anyone else walking the tightrope of life withouts safety nets? are you out there?

different kinds of blogging

since i have started blogging again i thought it might be interesting to go around and read some of my friends blogs... you know... to kind of get a feel for what they think blogging is all about. and as i read i began to see a very noticeable pattern, most of the blogs were topical and centered around an idea or set of ideas... written as explanation or exhortation of the deeper meaning of those ideas, of which they discovered through personal revelation or experiences. but my "blog", so to speak, was very different. my expression is one of bunched up feelings and exploding emotions... sometimes its just the overflow of a day filled with forced silence and withholding. i am so afraid to let anyone see who i am really am that when i get to the computer and start typing... i just cant help myself. it just happens. it just pours out of me. and at the end of the day i cant really decide if that is a good or a bad thing. will people be encouraged by my unfettered honesty or repulsed by what they see through the transparency of my words? hmmm....

One Year

one year. one confusing year. i've taken so many steps both backwards and forwards that i have no idea where i stand. right before this year began i found my self in the darkest and lowest place i will probably ever be. the anniversary of that experience is quickly approaching... and the question of whether or not i have overcome... is steadily forcing its way into my consciousness. am i really any better than i was before? it was hard for me to today to realize that even though i have dedicated my life to serving God and His people, i still dont feel like i belong to the family of God. i still havent found a place where i belong. even within in my own community at Fresno First, there is still no place for me. and that feeling of disconnection is feeding the dissonance in my faith. i believe in one thing, but my whole life seems to be telling me something different. i know i am called to one thing, but my experiences are blurring the lines... pointing me to all kinds of different directions. and add on top of that my rebellious and disobedient behavior and you have yourself one confusing year. one out of seventy (maybe). have i really made a difference in the lives of the people around me? i cant face this coming occasion without the understanding that this year mattered, at least for an unknown divine purpose. at the end of the day though, what does anything matter if you have no one to share it with? successes and failures pass the same. what is the point of being an insightful conversationalist when you are just talking to yourself in your head?

i cant face these questions right now. and i have been doing everything, and i mean everything, i can to avoid them. but i can feel them leading me deeper and deeper to the place i have been trying to escape all year long. i know in my heart that if i dont confront them head on, then i will once again lose myself. and maybe more than that.

whats my point? don't be afraid of the truth. because as much as the discovery process may hurt, at the end of the day knowing the truth that leads to freedom is better than living a pain free life tied up in the chains of deception. even nice deceptions. the real question i have to ask myself is...

what is one year to God? do i really believe that He can make something good come out of bad choices i made?

i dont know.