Monday, February 18, 2008
post number 24
you know how when you were little and you would get freaked out by the shadows and you would turn the light on and it would all go away. well that is how i used to feel about the darkness inside of me. as hard as it was and as low as it got it still went away sometimes... sometimes longer than others. still sunshine peeked through the rainclouds. and maybe it still is? i dont know maybe everything is still ok i am just feeling so crazy right now. have you ever been watching a scary movie and you get to like a really demented part and you feel your mind being twisted and your heart being manipulated in small, dark, and twisty shapes and its just... its just like i feel right now. like the part in the movie where the innocent slightly more modest brunette gets brutally murdered with some hook like device and the blond gets away. ok maybe not like that. something more demented. more dark, less bloody. why am i so sick?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
suicide
there are many different therories and beliefs pertaining to the act of suicide. some believe it is the most selfish act a person can commit... others see it as a cop-out. today i was seriously considering it... i even went so far as to purchase a bottle of aspirin (which i found out later doesnt actually work... it only burns a hole in your stomach) i was sitting in my car with the bottle open and i tried like four times to bring it to my lips and i couldnt. so as i have had a more up close and personal experience with suicide... i have developed some of my own opinions about it... all of the speculatory.
1. It must be selfishness... or at least to an extent. you cant just have compassion on the hurting person without recognize that the world would not be better off if even of the lowliest of peoples were dead. even if it were true that i was a horrible horrible stupid and horrible person... because God is who he says he is... and the holy spirit resides within me... the world is better off with my feeble and broken light then they are without it. does this apply to those who have not accepted Jesus? i dont know. all i can say that is for myself... i would be completly ignoring biblical truth to be saying that the world would be better off without me.
but...
2. not all the motives for suicide... or at least in my case... are selfish. i believe that the person who has been convinced to die has fallen under the greatest form of deception from the enemy. death is the culmination of his master plan, his main goal, the big kahuna of deception. he wants us to die. he wants me to die. and he is going to do everything he can to make that happen. so part of me would like to have a partial excuse for my radical selfish behavior... part of me would like to tell you that i am really trying but the enemy is winning... part of me would like you to tell me that its all going to be ok... that you are not mad at me and you love me and its not all my fault. but i dont really know if that is true. i want to believe its true... but i dont know.
3. suicidal people are desperate. desperate enough to override the basic human need for survival and injure themselves. its like the whole peeing your pants thing. if you are sitting on a couch and someone says they will give you 50 bucks to pee your pants there is a likelihood that you wont actually be able to do it. there has to be a desperateness that overrides logic and our instinct to protect ourselves from harm or embarrasment. today i totally emabarresed myself. i looked absolutely ridicolous in front of the people i love because i was so desperate. because i was so desperate to escape the pain and the nightmares and the things that haunted me when i was alone. i was so desperate to escape the lies and the image of myself that was being painted on the wall of my heart. and i think i really hurt my friends by doing that and i regret it. i didnt want to hurt them, i just didnt want to hurt anymore. but when you are desperate you dont really stop to think about other people... you just go crazy and do whatever you have got to do to get where you are desperate to be.
I once had a friend who committed suicide. she had called out to me for help multiple times, and i was kind to her, but in the end she gave up. maybe she didnt understand that there was hope, she didnt know about love, maybe no one had ever truly loved her. thats how i started to feel very recently... when i realized the relationship i had had with my mother was coming to an end. she was the only one that loved me for all these years... through multiple fathers and friends who had left me in the dust. so when i finally realized that i cant count on her anymore... it all came crashing down. it was because of her that i believed love would prevail... that there were still people out there who would love you back if you loved them. but then... all of the sudden i wasnt so sure. and it was too much for me i guess. but im glad i got that off my chest. im glad i know that that isnt an option anymore. im sorry that i hurt my friends though. you have no idea... under all this pain is someone that loves you so much, maybe even more than you know. all i have ever wanted to do was give you a gift worthy of how awesome you are to me... but i never could. now i feel that all i have done is try to take away. especially you nicole... i am never going to be able to make it up to you but i want you to know that i am so sorry. you will probably never read this but i know that you were right in everything you said, and i am so sorry that i even went down that road. i dont know what i was thinking. i was so scared and wrong.
maybe the humblest people are the ones who dare to believe that they are beautiful... maybe the humblest are the ones who know they matter. maybe the root of all my problems is a pridefullness that runs deeper than mosts.
angela
p.s. i cannot find my bible. please if you are reading this and you see it, let me know. or if you do not know where it is... please pray for the funds for the purchase of a new bible. i am thinking this time around i will buy a NASB.
1. It must be selfishness... or at least to an extent. you cant just have compassion on the hurting person without recognize that the world would not be better off if even of the lowliest of peoples were dead. even if it were true that i was a horrible horrible stupid and horrible person... because God is who he says he is... and the holy spirit resides within me... the world is better off with my feeble and broken light then they are without it. does this apply to those who have not accepted Jesus? i dont know. all i can say that is for myself... i would be completly ignoring biblical truth to be saying that the world would be better off without me.
but...
2. not all the motives for suicide... or at least in my case... are selfish. i believe that the person who has been convinced to die has fallen under the greatest form of deception from the enemy. death is the culmination of his master plan, his main goal, the big kahuna of deception. he wants us to die. he wants me to die. and he is going to do everything he can to make that happen. so part of me would like to have a partial excuse for my radical selfish behavior... part of me would like to tell you that i am really trying but the enemy is winning... part of me would like you to tell me that its all going to be ok... that you are not mad at me and you love me and its not all my fault. but i dont really know if that is true. i want to believe its true... but i dont know.
3. suicidal people are desperate. desperate enough to override the basic human need for survival and injure themselves. its like the whole peeing your pants thing. if you are sitting on a couch and someone says they will give you 50 bucks to pee your pants there is a likelihood that you wont actually be able to do it. there has to be a desperateness that overrides logic and our instinct to protect ourselves from harm or embarrasment. today i totally emabarresed myself. i looked absolutely ridicolous in front of the people i love because i was so desperate. because i was so desperate to escape the pain and the nightmares and the things that haunted me when i was alone. i was so desperate to escape the lies and the image of myself that was being painted on the wall of my heart. and i think i really hurt my friends by doing that and i regret it. i didnt want to hurt them, i just didnt want to hurt anymore. but when you are desperate you dont really stop to think about other people... you just go crazy and do whatever you have got to do to get where you are desperate to be.
I once had a friend who committed suicide. she had called out to me for help multiple times, and i was kind to her, but in the end she gave up. maybe she didnt understand that there was hope, she didnt know about love, maybe no one had ever truly loved her. thats how i started to feel very recently... when i realized the relationship i had had with my mother was coming to an end. she was the only one that loved me for all these years... through multiple fathers and friends who had left me in the dust. so when i finally realized that i cant count on her anymore... it all came crashing down. it was because of her that i believed love would prevail... that there were still people out there who would love you back if you loved them. but then... all of the sudden i wasnt so sure. and it was too much for me i guess. but im glad i got that off my chest. im glad i know that that isnt an option anymore. im sorry that i hurt my friends though. you have no idea... under all this pain is someone that loves you so much, maybe even more than you know. all i have ever wanted to do was give you a gift worthy of how awesome you are to me... but i never could. now i feel that all i have done is try to take away. especially you nicole... i am never going to be able to make it up to you but i want you to know that i am so sorry. you will probably never read this but i know that you were right in everything you said, and i am so sorry that i even went down that road. i dont know what i was thinking. i was so scared and wrong.
maybe the humblest people are the ones who dare to believe that they are beautiful... maybe the humblest are the ones who know they matter. maybe the root of all my problems is a pridefullness that runs deeper than mosts.
angela
p.s. i cannot find my bible. please if you are reading this and you see it, let me know. or if you do not know where it is... please pray for the funds for the purchase of a new bible. i am thinking this time around i will buy a NASB.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
don't read this.
what a concept. maybe tonight... how do i make it go away... how do i make the thoughts and the pictures go away... where is there to run to? where is there a safe place?
i want to die. just let me die. just take me away now... just let me die. i know i sound stupid but i dont care... im never going to be able to fit in with you anyway. i just want to die now because i cant do this anymore, im not capapable. there is no "positive thinking" that is going to fix this problem. i am selfish, i dont care about the consequences and i obviously dont care about anyone else. but the reality is i just wish this would be over. i have no clue what the heck to do or where to turn and i just want it to be over. i cant do it. i know i sound stupid... so you dont have to tell me that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)