I feel trapped between the person I am and the person I am becoming. Could I be experiencing growing pains of the soul? In the confusion of it all I sometimes feel almost like I have no identity at all.
Its almost like there are two contrasting realities within me. And I can't decide which one is real. And so everyday I bounce and switch between the two, the resulting effect being chaos and constant misdirection. One day, I wake up and I'm deeply confident in my hope for the future, not because of my own propensity for success, but because I trust in faithfulness of the Lord to carry out His promises. I feel joy, and excitement, and comfort. But by that afternoon, the whole world can turn itself inside out. One emotional misstep leads to another and eventually I can't even remember why I got up that morning and why I ever believed that I could do anything at all. Eventually, in minutes, hours, or even days, I will my find way back to the Lord. And then cycle repeats itself over again.
If my life is a journey, right now I have lost myself in the desert somewhere and I am walking in a circle.
How can anyone live like that? I mean its not really living at all, its surviving. It doesn't come anywhere near the abundance of life that is promised to those who love Him. It is not the example of joy that is needed to convince the world of His power and love.
But God is speaking to my soul. I can hear Him saying that its time to let go of the me I am and finally be the me I am becoming. I think is what growing pains feel like. Every time I get close to letting go of my fear, and my self-loathing, and my pride, and my laziness, I start to get really uncomfortable. And I throw myself back into the things I used to be. Everything there makes sense. But when I find myself in the presence of the All Consuming Fire, it seems that shall never be able to understand anything at all. He is so vast, and His love is so beyond comprehension. When I stand there in His presence, it is like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over and ocean of infinite size and depth. He is terrible, and merciful, and holy. One touch from Him can change everything. One word from His mouth can give life, or take it away. Does anybody ever think about the kind of God they worship? When we pray, do we truly realize what kind of God we are talking to?
I just don't know if I can be in His presence. Part of me says that I could never be worthy, I could never be holy enough to be anywhere near Him without being completely destroyed. I mean not even Moses could see His face... but rather only saw His back passing by. I am definitely not Moses. I am just Angela.
But of course I know that my own righteousness is of no consequence in His eyes because of the sacrifice made by His son. Christianity 101 right? Well maybe understanding that and actually applying that to your faith are two different things. I mean we all know that we have been saved from our sins right? But for many of us there is still so much conflict between our flesh and our soul that the lines between "saint" and "sinner" remain quite blurry for us. So many of us who have been "freed from sin" still live in sin. We still struggle with the idea of a God who is both merciful and just. And to make that conflict all the more real, those of us who believe in Christianity as a relationship and not a religion, have the struggle of finding intimacy with a God that we cannot understand. So fear and love weave in and out of our lives, breeding both joy and sorrow.
I don't know, maybe I am the only one who takes this kind of stuff so seriously. But it is because there is another desire working its way through my heart. There is another part of me that says I can do nothing but be in His presence. That I want nothing else but to be in His presence. That is it more important to me than food, than water, than the very air I breathe. That I would give my whole life on this earth, for just one day in His presence. There is no other dream, no other desire, no other purpose, which matters more to me.
I'm pretty sure that puts on the edge of insanity by the world's standards. Heck, by modern Christianity's standards. We are taught in the Church these days that we are slowly climbing the ladder of spiritual maturity, slowly conquering one sin at a time on our way to righteousness. We are taught to live balanced, normal, good Christian lives. We aren't taught anything about desire. About hunger. About the unwillingness to live in a world where Christians aren't the constantly challenging the status quo with God's love.
I know the spiritual back and forth I put myself through is not healthy. But I am starting to understand that there are deeper questions, deeper issues, at the root of the problem. I am not normal, and I am not entirely sane, but at least the status quo of my life is constantly being challenged. Maybe that is what it is going to take for me to grow. Maybe God need to shake everything that can be shaken within me. At the end of the day I have to believe that He has a purpose for this stage of my life.
I know my blogs are incredibly personal and revealing. And for a while I was like, "Well maybe I shouldn't blog like this anymore, it kind of freaks people out." But what I have realized is that people need to talk about this kind of stuff. Christians especially. We need to face the questions that we have inside of us, the ones that threaten to crumble our faith at the next crisis life brings. The cracks in our foundations. Maybe we all need to just sit down and share with someone we trust about cracks in our foundations. To be honest about where we are in our faith, and the doubts that stand waiting in the wings of our hearts for the opportunity to destroy us. To rethink, to challenge, the status quo of our lives. To allow ourselves to experience uncomfortable, but unmistakably necessary, growing pains.
