i need some lovin

this is hard. hard is such a ridiculous word. just the way its sounds. try saying it twenty times and you will realize how ridiculous it is. and how ridiculously hard this day is. i am going to write a song about it...

ohhhhhh... i need some lovin
some lovin from yoooouuuooouuoooouuu...
come on and bring me some lovin
some lovin from yoooooouuuuu.

ok so that was a stupid song. but what else can i say? i can go on and on about the sorrows of losing your fisrt love... i can use adjectives that are getting dusty on the shelves of your brain... i could try to paint an image with onion juice and make you cry... or i can say... ill get through... everything is going to be ok... i just need to tough it out. but neither sorrow nor peace are my reality... i am somewhere in between. its just hard. and i am just waiting here for comfort to come. like looking at a blanket from across the room and beckoning it to come to you. but it wont, it never will... but you havent quite yet figured out how to move your butt from the couch. but maybe the holy spirit is different. maybe the divine comforter operates differently than a blanket. i dont know.

broken heart.

honestly... i cant really see how this is going to work. i mean i kind of can... but not really. i am not meant for such harsh realities... i am a bubble floating in a toothpick world. but really though... i am quite sad. i feel like all my apple tree climbing memories are falling into a black hole of immaturity and bad timing. i dont want to admit it... but i am a mess. i keep crying all day and i almost fell down the stairs and my whole body is riddled with disapoinment and broken heart sorrows. my dreams and my desires are made of glass. the hardest thing about this for me is i am tired. its been a long and hard two years and i am ready for this wilderness to be over, i am ready to be rescued from the desert place. i feel like i need a break. i need a period of abundant blessing and overflowing joy. but i am sure everybody wants that all the time, and i have come to understand that Gods purpose is fufilled in the wilderness just as much as in the good times. sometimes even more. so what i really want is what God wants, because i know what He wants is better than what i want. but i will admit to you, and to Him, that there are my times that my heart just yearns for peacefullness and rest. i ask for so much from the Lord. i ask for humility, wisdom, comfort, protection, eyes to see and ears to hear, the ability to love those who hate me, strength, intimacy. i ask to hear His voice. i ask for rest. i cant see the answers. i dont have a vision of his glory. i am not holding on very well. but still there is seed inside my heart that is growing... and its roots are breaking through the walls of sorrow and my heart is becoming this secret garden i cant even see. i am convinced that in the center of my soul resides the holy spirit... and slowly... like a plant... the word of truth and the love of christ is permeating throughout my heart. maybe perhaps... i cant quite see the effects yet because like a seed, the first stages of growth are underground and flower are a long way away. maybe. thats what i have to believe... that is what i have to hold on to. that the word of God is true and the transformation is real and the day of reconciliation has already come and is yet to come. nonetheless... what i wouldnt give for a day at the spa.

so this is my outlet i guess and i have a lot of things i want to let out.

1. not watching tv and movies is really hard, especially when you are stressed out and you just want to chill. cause the truth is... if you have a drug... which most of us do to some extent... nothing is going to make us feel like it does. nothing is going to hit the spot. you just have to wait until there is no spot anymore.

2. change is upon me and yet... i dont embrace it. sometimes i would like to throw myself full force into what is coming... do you realize what is coming? we are on a boat on the edge of niagra falls... we are in a temporary space of illusion sitting on the edge of the waterfall of God's deep and jealous love... WE ARE ABOUT TO FALL... or perhaps we have already fallen... in love with Christ Jesus. how can we imagine? sometimes its hard. its hard to live out something you cant see or hear. but i think God knows that... and i think thats why He posses such an abundant empathy for our stuggle... such an abundant compassion on our weak hearts. sometimes i wonder... when is that day? tomorrow? at one thing? soon after? when am i going to have that day when its just like... i can talk to God like he is real... sitting next to me. i dont know... but i wait in eager anticipation for deeper revalation, deeper vision, deeper hearing, deeper love.

3. i am also kind of sad at the same time. maybe its beacuse of all the unassuredness in my life... it makes me feel like i have no skin. like i am very sensitive to what happens in my close friendships... maybe its dumb. or maybe sometimes i need some gentleness. i think a lot of people pretend to not care about stuff but they do. stuff hurts them but they dont realize it or they are so used to it they dont notice it or they just forget about it. but i am brutally self aware. its kind of not good sometimes... good other times.

4. what i wouldn't give for a good hug sometimes.

5. i think that we are exceptionally beautiful women. me and my two girlfriends that is. we are gorgeous. one of us has sparkling bright eyes and a perfectly shaped faced, the other just always looks so nice and femine, and i... well... i dont really want to say anything about myself but i will tell you that i believe i am beautiful woman. but i am overweight. i mourn that fact... because the amazing beautiful women God has created are a little bit dimmed by culture, stress, and convienience. i mean we could all be heartbreakers! i really think they are exceptionally beautiful women.

6. tomorrow is the last sunday at clovis west. thank goodness!

7. i have some prayer requests. a. wisdom b. dreams c. patience

imagine that blanket of compassion falling all around you...

angela

up and down... in and out... my soul is jumping and crouching and running all over the place. i dont feel very well right now... mostly because i know myself and i dont trust my own judgement. there is a far away corner in my soul that is just pulsating... a beat... i just want to worship. i just want to commune. there are times when i cant breath another minute without the presence of the lord... and i think the only reason i do is because i dont know how not to. i havent eaten today. except for chocolate and a donut and seven layer dip and pineapple. oh yeah and wendys. i forgot. i feel hungry. maybe its a different kind of hungry. well got to go. bye.

angela

update

i feel the need to update this blogspot... lets see... what has been happening lately? my new motto in life is "just do it" courtesy of shannon harris. its so true you know? sometimes, especially when you are in college and homework is boring and you dont always feel like you have a direction you are headed in, sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. not even what you need to do, but what you want to do. i really want to have a clean bedroom everyday. so i need to just do it! its quite a freeing realization for me.

what else... i think there are 30 days or something like that until onething. (www.ihop.org/onething) i am definately excited about that but i am also excited about the rest of the trip... and getting a break from ordinary life. plus i love going halfway across the country in an airplane. i love the moving sidewalks in the airport. and i love take off. so it shall all be very exciting...

i have been thinking a lot lately about people from high school, and a friend of mine just recently posted about missing old friends... it is kind of sad. in this life... we transistion so much. sometimes i think we would all be happier if we would all just stick together. but i guess that is what college is like... you leave your friends to make new friends that you will leave when you graduate college. in the end... i think i am glad i stayed in town. i have friends here, ones i love and care about and ones that love and care about me. not those here today gone tomorrow kind of friends.

one thing i wish i could do better is reach out to people. i think a lot of people are lonely and maybe they dont always say it. i know i have had times in the past two years of extreme loneliness... and there were a couple of people who reached out to me. ohps... got to go back to work!

angela

its like youve turned off the tap and the pipes are groaning and my bottom lip is shaking because fear is the beauty that is left when love has gone away. did that make any sense to you... lol... me neither. ladies and gentlemen that is what we call abstraction/non-sense. sometimes i wish i could sound so much bigger than i am... because i want to be big and great, but i am small. i am small and foolish and plain.

"make not provision for the flesh"

a.ka.

"stop thinking about yourself"

angela

one day you wake up and your life is a nightmare in 3D in the imax theatre. the next day you wake up your cinderella in her tower room singing of the days when her dreams will come true. and sometimes your the lily in a desert... a shining star in a vast black universe... perfectly unique and utterly unstoppable. last night i cried myself to sleep... drempt of invasion and ravishing of innocence... and woke up in tears. then i said to myself... no more... i dont care what the enemy throws in my face... i am going to stand in faith of something i cannot see... Lord Jesus you are holy and kind and faithful forever and your love for me conquers all things. so i did. and i prayed. and i prayed. and i tried so hard to smile. and to show love and kindness. and though my heart was pained at the recent events and circumstances i told myself that it is possible things might not get better soon... it may be a very long time... but God loves me always. but then... my mind lost it. my stomach started hurting, my mind was reeling with pressures from all around me... i was mean to my friend... too nice to another one... and then i prayed. surrendered. God i dont know what to do... Lord Jesus please help me because i know my ways are not your ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. and i lost it more. and i prayed more. and here i am. wedged between joy and despair... illusion and reality. when i pray to my God does He listen? how... when i beg for his protection can he let the enemy enter into my mind? I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE ANY BETTER!! i just wish i could shout... scream. im giving it all im got... and still i am sick, failing, and alone. i dont know what to believe because it seems like everything i think is wrong. ive been very sad for quite some time now... maybe about two years. and slowly... ive noticed... there are less and less people in my life who care enough to be my friend anyway. everything i say is immature... why give you my advice or input when it wouldnt matter to you anyway? ok now im just ranting... im just sick. and wondering if there are any arms out there willing to give me a big fat and very long hug... cause that is what i need right now. or at least i think so. some strong, slightly hairy, masculine arms. ones with large hands attached and well defined features. muscles, warmth, and good smells.
i cant stop crying. at all. i just do all the time, everyday, for a long time and no matter what i do i cant stop. maybe i just need to go up to heaven now... mabye i dont really have that much to offer anyone. yeah. sorry so long.

a few more words before this day is over...

well. today was different. i find myself captivated by the sunshine, the warmth filling the dark corners of my heart i didnt even know were there. God is faithful to answer the weak and defenseless. but when the darkness surrounds you... its sooooo easy to forget that. I want to love the Lord, yet i know i have room to grow in fearing Him and living His word. I want to sing. with my heart, with my voice, for the heavens and earth to resound with the melody of his holy presence. but that seems so unlikely right now, i am starting to wonder if i am dreaming the wrong dream. i am ordinary. i am small. and i am sometimes lost. can God use me for a purpose larger than my physical capacity? yes. will He? i dont know. how can you know the Lord's specific plan? all you can know for sure is that He loves you, will always take care of you, and will be faithful to fill all the desires He has put in your heart. for the Lord is faithful to answer. well i better conk out before i fall asleep right here and now. my advice, keep following your dreams no matter what they say, but be prepared for the Lord to lead you on an unexpected path, for eternal things are not made up of the same ingredients as temporary ones.

much love. hug someone. really.

angela

sometimes i feel like ok... this is really really hard but everything is going to be ok even though i dont understand how. and then other times i am like... this is crushing me, i cant breathe, and i cant get out from under it. fear sweeps over me like a buzzard over dry desert lands. I feel like darkness is chasing me, calling my name, i feel ravished by unseen evils and compromises. I dont feel safe, protected, or loved at all. and i feel so ashamed at my unbelief. i mean i know God loves me unconditionally, is my portion, my light, my life, my breath, why cant i live it? why cant i feel it? why in the middle of the night do i just want tomorrow to be over again and again until there are no more days left. just have a good time. just relax. just stop thinking about it. i always tell myself. and i pretend like im not lost beyond reason and i dont think these thoughts late at night. we all do. we all have the secret pains and fears that dont go away. maybe. maybe some of us dont. maybe some of us have grown out of the voices in our heads. maybe for some of us the horror movie in our minds has already stopped its continous loop and weve settled down to working and dreaming and living. my story has been the same for two years now... sad little depressed girl, cant seen to find her place in the world, hesitating to even try. if she had a nickel for every abandoment issue she had shed pay people just to listen to her sing her sad song in C minor. same old story, same old song as the rest of the world. exept for maybe more pathetic because she has been offered a hope she wont even take hold of... like a drowning girl refusing a lifesaver. but when wet hair and swirling waters are all this girl has ever know, sometimes she has no idea how to even hold on to the lifesaver with her raisin fingers and hypothermic spirit. and when she finds herself so deep beneath the rapids she was born into... beyond the reach of the lifesaver...

and thats where our story lies at a standstill. what happens then? does a hand reach out from the deep and pull her lower than the waters can even flow? or does a fire come that burns even the waters away? do the tears on the bathroom wall mean more than condensation?

angela

For you are my Beloved...

sometimes when you have no courage on your own, you will find, admist diversity, one with courage to share. and when the weather is lukewarm, and your heart is cold, in the pale light of the dimming sunset the whispers of stars speak of things yet unknown. im trying so hard to be somebody, to live a life of meaning and purpose. sometimes i just get sad because how short i have fallen. why cant i just be happy? why must i always be the leaky facuet? i sat here tonight and i told myself... "im going to write about what God says about me"... i just didnt have anything to say. and i tried so hard to write it... but i didnt believe what i was writing. and then i was ashamed of myself... because if i cant even take that step where am i going to start. i am so ashamed to even be living. i hate to say because i am ashamed that i think it but what else am i going to say? i cant lie about who i am. what do i do? i need to be rescued because i have no where to go, no way out, no where to start. or maybe i do... i just dont understand what it is. at night i always cry out to jesus to come and change me, to come and speak to me, humble me, correct me, be with me. i beg the Lord for his mercy, peace, and joy. i petition Him for his presence, and His embrace, and His protection. what else should i do? what else should i say? am i really the one he wants? maybe tomorrow ill find out.

angela

about three times a day i would say i feel like i have just woken up out of nightmare. its like... whoa... all of the sudden... what the heck am i doing here? placeholder is the new yet old nickname of the enemy. silent screamer you are says he. placid rapids. sweet shock tart. oh darling, dont you wish it mattered when you said something? dont you wish you could change what they think about. oh yes dearest... you keep on trying that believing thing... thats working out real well for you isn't it? *chuckle chuckle I thought you didnt watch that anymore... that lasted long. thats the plan my beauty, lose em all just to gain three more back. find yourself on the edge of innocence pulling at the threads of his robe but then ill caress your desires and youll be back at the bottom again. as blind in the dark as you are in the light. find yourself ignorant, immature, worthless, find yourself alone. like the first time, and the second, and the third. like every single gruelingly patient day you wait for the invisible hope and the fire that never burns.

broken vessel

sometimes... its just one big sugar high replaced by dehydration replaced by stress stomache cycle. why does God want you if you are so messed up. this morning i woke up thinking... man... i really dont want to go to class today. i almost didnt go. but instead i started singing... "lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour" i missed my first class because of my hesitation but i got to the other ones... joyfully i might add. finally excited to be doing something that might be pleasing to the Lord. smile on my face... i struggled to the generally unpleasant day... came home... went back out to work... came home without making a penny... and then had a long conversation with my friend. but something set me off... in all that time... during all that trying... something set me off. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO FEEL DEPRAVED. the higher i get... the stronger the feeling. i didnt even enjoy what i ended up doing. i didnt even want to do it. i just hated the idea of doing the right thing. what is wrong with me seriously? there will always be those leftover thoughts at the end of the day that you wont even tell the people closest to you that you have. there will always be those weaknesses you wont admit you struggle with until you conquer them. and what is the point of telling anyone anything anyway... you honestly think they will be as forthcoming with you? and now i will go to bed with scarred images in my mind and fear in my heart and what happens tomorrow morning... i cry out Immanuel God with us and hope that today will be the end of end of this problem. sometimes i just get plain tired of being a broken vessel. do we let the enemy into our lives or does he demand his own presence? sometimes the little steps are so small you cant even see them. sorry... babbling... not that i have even posted in forever. im just tired.

if i hate something God loves... its hard to really love God. if i love you... but i hate your mother... can it really work out in the end? not really.