For you are my Beloved...

sometimes when you have no courage on your own, you will find, admist diversity, one with courage to share. and when the weather is lukewarm, and your heart is cold, in the pale light of the dimming sunset the whispers of stars speak of things yet unknown. im trying so hard to be somebody, to live a life of meaning and purpose. sometimes i just get sad because how short i have fallen. why cant i just be happy? why must i always be the leaky facuet? i sat here tonight and i told myself... "im going to write about what God says about me"... i just didnt have anything to say. and i tried so hard to write it... but i didnt believe what i was writing. and then i was ashamed of myself... because if i cant even take that step where am i going to start. i am so ashamed to even be living. i hate to say because i am ashamed that i think it but what else am i going to say? i cant lie about who i am. what do i do? i need to be rescued because i have no where to go, no way out, no where to start. or maybe i do... i just dont understand what it is. at night i always cry out to jesus to come and change me, to come and speak to me, humble me, correct me, be with me. i beg the Lord for his mercy, peace, and joy. i petition Him for his presence, and His embrace, and His protection. what else should i do? what else should i say? am i really the one he wants? maybe tomorrow ill find out.

angela

about three times a day i would say i feel like i have just woken up out of nightmare. its like... whoa... all of the sudden... what the heck am i doing here? placeholder is the new yet old nickname of the enemy. silent screamer you are says he. placid rapids. sweet shock tart. oh darling, dont you wish it mattered when you said something? dont you wish you could change what they think about. oh yes dearest... you keep on trying that believing thing... thats working out real well for you isn't it? *chuckle chuckle I thought you didnt watch that anymore... that lasted long. thats the plan my beauty, lose em all just to gain three more back. find yourself on the edge of innocence pulling at the threads of his robe but then ill caress your desires and youll be back at the bottom again. as blind in the dark as you are in the light. find yourself ignorant, immature, worthless, find yourself alone. like the first time, and the second, and the third. like every single gruelingly patient day you wait for the invisible hope and the fire that never burns.

broken vessel

sometimes... its just one big sugar high replaced by dehydration replaced by stress stomache cycle. why does God want you if you are so messed up. this morning i woke up thinking... man... i really dont want to go to class today. i almost didnt go. but instead i started singing... "lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour" i missed my first class because of my hesitation but i got to the other ones... joyfully i might add. finally excited to be doing something that might be pleasing to the Lord. smile on my face... i struggled to the generally unpleasant day... came home... went back out to work... came home without making a penny... and then had a long conversation with my friend. but something set me off... in all that time... during all that trying... something set me off. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO FEEL DEPRAVED. the higher i get... the stronger the feeling. i didnt even enjoy what i ended up doing. i didnt even want to do it. i just hated the idea of doing the right thing. what is wrong with me seriously? there will always be those leftover thoughts at the end of the day that you wont even tell the people closest to you that you have. there will always be those weaknesses you wont admit you struggle with until you conquer them. and what is the point of telling anyone anything anyway... you honestly think they will be as forthcoming with you? and now i will go to bed with scarred images in my mind and fear in my heart and what happens tomorrow morning... i cry out Immanuel God with us and hope that today will be the end of end of this problem. sometimes i just get plain tired of being a broken vessel. do we let the enemy into our lives or does he demand his own presence? sometimes the little steps are so small you cant even see them. sorry... babbling... not that i have even posted in forever. im just tired.

if i hate something God loves... its hard to really love God. if i love you... but i hate your mother... can it really work out in the end? not really.