cognitive dissonance

it is rare occasion that i find myself so full of thoughts that they crowd themselves on their way out the door. so much is changing... so fast. my spirit goes war with my flesh as a massive, universal, but deeply personal, war wages on right on the boundaries of my understanding. its all cognitive dissonance and huge leaps. i mean... here i am... its the middle of the night... and i'm in this moment that seems to be a repeat off the hundreds of similar moments that passed before. anxiety... regret... a "i have no idea how i am going to pull this off" kind of feeling. except it feels different in that every moment brings me closer to the challenge. what was i thinking... dreaming this dream of serving in mexico. i mean... lets just be honest for a second. am in the least bit deserving of the kind of provision its going to take to get me there? no. am i ever really deserving of the air i would breathe on my way there. not really. if you even knew the amount of fights i have lost, and miserably so, i'm sure you would be embarrassed just to know me. i know i am. i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i have stepped so far out what is right, what is good, what is sensible, i hardly know what any of those things are anymore. and like the prodigal son... i have tried to "come to my senses" a hundred times over just to find myself back at the feet of idols and hour later. eventually i have to go one way or the other... right? i mean how much cognitive dissonance can a person handle before the paths between their mind and heart get completely fried? i feel like my realities are ripping themselves apart... and me with them.

how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.

the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.

Fragments.

There are things that I love in this life... none of them have to do with the world.

I want to go home... in more ways than one.

I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.

Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.

Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.

Do you think I should drive in the dark?

I want to go home.

Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.

I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.

Crying at my desk.

I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.

Broken fragments.

Courage, Love, and the Fight.

in my heart i know that i am the kind of woman who could believe in extraordinary things. but in these last few weeks i have discovered that before i can begin to believe in the deep, spectacular adventure that the future holds for all of us... i have got to start believing in myself. or maybe rather... what God has put in me. i don't know... i haven't quite hashed out the subtleties of it all. and you know what else i have learned? that beyond all the big ideas and suppositions... at the core of a true believer... lies courage. and even deeper than courage lies hope. hope is both the reason for, and the product of courage. my heart beats a little faster when i think about it... what if i had just a little more courage than i had right now? what if i was just a little bit bolder and stronger? what kind of choices could i make... how many deceptions could i overcome... how many people could i see set free? could i be free? do i dare even ask the Lord for such a precious gift? courage. the courage to believe that i am something more than what they say i am. the courage to choose something better than temporary fixes and hiding places i find myself dwelling in now.

every great love story starts with some courageous act or choice, big or small, from one or both of the people involved. i guess somewhere inside of me i just always assumed that he (my future husband) would be the one to arrive on a white horse, having battled through this life to get to me. that i would simply be rescued and from that moment forward my life would begin, in peace. and that i would never have to fight again. but the more i look at that story... as i peel away the top layers of desire and daydreams... i begin to see the shallowness of it all.

i know in my heart that i was born to be a fighter. i was born on the battlefield. and all my life i have lived in a sort of broken independence... a kind of forced autonomy. i have been fighting for so long... for as long as i can remember. and i have so many scars to show for it. so my first instinct as i grow older and learn more about who i am... is to run as far as i can from the battle. to denounce my self as too cowardly and too weak for victory. because if i don't fight than i can't get hurt right? so i spent so many years tearing myself down. incapacitating myself so that i couldn't fight. wouldn't have to fight. but it doesn't change the fact that there is a war going on inside of me.

Without Jesus

(Note: this a blog entry that i wrote quite some time ago and never finished or published.)

something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.

So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)

reminding myself not to disapear

all i really need right now is someone to just show up at my door and give me a big fat hug and remind me that i'm loved. sounds so stupid i know. sounds even more stupid because the amount of times i've said it before.

ok so this is interesting... i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i think i must exude like "i can handle this on my own" or an "ive got it all together" kind of vibe. because not even the people closest to me can tell when i am having a hard time. either they are not paying attention or dont care (which are options if prefer not to think about)... or i am just really really good at hiding it. and the funny thing is... i am horrible at hiding my emotions. i mean absolutely horrible at it. but i have this funny habit of just plain disapearing. if im not there, it probably means i'm lost somewhere inside myself. but i dont think any of my friends have caught on to that yet.

The Whole Truth

i have the worst knots in my stomach right now. i just had lunch with a friend and colleague of mine... and for some reason i couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth about certain situations. we started talking about the new monday night life group that just started... and how i would be a perfect fit for it because i would love the topics they are going through and i would blend really well with the people and just how perfect it would all be. and then she went on to say that she needs to avoid the temptation to invite me to participate because of how young i am. my age. its the biggest obstacle that stands between me and the solid Christian support that i need to thrive in my faith. it just doesn't seem right to me... that i should be left in the cold just because i am few years younger. i should have just told her that. i should have just told her the whole truth... not just that things have been really "hard" lately... but that i am desperate for some real solid Christian perspective... that i have hit rock bottom over and over and over again this year... and at the root of my inability to grow in my faith is a lack of Christian companionship and accountability. i should have just told her that as mature as i want to be in my feelings towards my church and the fact that there is no place for me... sometimes it just hurts and i dont know how to feel any other way about it. i should have told that i think i may need to step back from youth ministry because i don't have any support around me. i should have just told her that i have run out of options and im not sure how much longer i can stay at fresno first and be alone. i wish i could have just told her the whole truth. not just parts of it that make me look like a stronger, more mature person than i am. i owe her that. i owe myself that. but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. and so thats why i am sitting here at my desk with a huge stomach ache, wondering about the steps that follow half truths, and where in the world i go from here.

Sunday's Schedule

Church... 9a - 12:00p

Prayer Encounter Team Meeting... 2:00p - 3:30p

Church Softball Team Practice... 4p - 5:30p

Christian Rock Worship Roadshow... 6p - who knows when

Finishing Fresno First LIFE Newsletter... somewhere in between all that.

Spending time with God and resting on the Sabbath... probably not going to be able to squeeze that in this Sunday.

Wow. It just kills me to think about it. Ok yeah... part of it is my fault for saying yes to these various "meetings" in the first place. Its true that if I don't like the fact that softball practice is on Sundays, then I don't have to join the Softball team. Its true that if there is a ministry team that meets on Sundays, then I don't have to join that team. But what am I supposed to do... just quit doing ministry? The Church has gotten so used to being busy on Sundays because they can't catch peoples attention any other day of the week. They can't seem to convince people to sacrafice a night of LOST or Grey's Anatomy to head over to the Church for a ministry team meeting. So the solution has commonly been to beat as much stuff into a sunday as is possible. Which is totally crazy to me! What... like God isn't as important on any other day of the week? If you really want to do ministry... you'll sacrifice things... and you'll cut stuff out of your schedule so you'll be there and you can serve and you can grow. But the one day that we are taught to keep holy, as a day rest and sanctification, we trample all over with our own plans. The Church is the biggest Sabbath killer in my life. But at the end of the day... I have to realize that it comes down to my choices. I have got to learn to say no. Cause I don't think God accepts the excuse "the Church made me do it". He'd probably just say right back to me, "You are the Church, do something about it!"

Slo-pitch.

So for those of you who don't know... I just recently joined the Fresno First CO-ED Slo-Pitch Softball team. We play on Friday nights at Lincoln Elementary if you ever want to come hang out and watch a game. But yeah... I really enjoy it. Our coach... he is just the kind of guy you can tell totally legit. For him, the game, the team, the process, its all about glorifying the Lord. And as I was listening to him pray for the team at practice a couple of fridays ago... I was just really moved. What great faith... to know that God is with us and for us in even the "simplest" of things. But its really not simple at all. Its an adventure. Its living and breathing and laughing and playing hard... and witnessing to others through our character and sportsmanship. Lol... please forgive me if I am getting all hyper-symbollic on you;) I just really excited/passionate about things that are... real. And not only that but while I was pondering my Coach's amazing motivations... I started to wonder about my own. What exactly am I doing on a softball team? I mean... look at me. Just look at me. I have absolutely no coordination or athletic ability... I am completely out of shape, overweight, and harboring a secret eating disorder. So first I was like... what business do I have on a Softball team? But then I tried looking at it from another perspective. If I was a healthy and happy version of myself... looking at the current version of myself... what would I see? Would I tell that person... hey you probably shouldn't join our team cause you'll just slow us down? Probably not. I would probably see that person's adventurous spirit and positive attitude, and over time I would begin to respect their courage in playing hard even though they don't have the same abilities as everyone else. And at the end of the day... I would find inspiration and encouragement in the courageous actions of my team mate. We should follow our dreams, live hard, play hard, no matter what curveballs our life throws us. And if for me that means going out there every friday and striking out... then its worth it. I want to play Softball because I know I am more than the sum of all my parts, and that if I can choose to be courageous in the "simplest" of things, maybe I will learn to be courageous in my faith. Which, at the end of the day, is the only thing that matters to me. So yeah... come out and chillax with the Fresno First team this friday at Lincoln Elementary at 6:15pm cause I'm bringing snacks:)

Being Nowhere.

ok so now i remember why i stopped blogging. cause sometimes it can make you feel really... echoey. like you just put your voice out there and all it does is bounce off the walls. and when you get a hefty dose of that during the day... its not very encouraging to come home and relive it all over again. like right now. except this time i didn't go home. in fact... i dont really see the point of going home. it doesn't really feel like my home... its just another place. another option. in fact, right now, all places pretty much feel the same. i could go hang out with an old friend at starbucks, lay in the grass at a park, call in sick tomorrow and go to the beach, go on a shopping spree and revamp my wardrobe, make a pilgramage to somewhere holy, down a box of ice cream, indulge my desires, punish myself for my disobedience, sleep, breathe, live, die... it doesnt matter. nothing is going to change the disconnect i feel right now. trust me... i know. because I have tried everything I even know how to think of. and i have over analyzed every possible solution, every possible path to redemption. but at the end of the day it all comes out the same. the same root always remains solidly in place. so thats why i am sitting here, in my office, wasting time, burning daylight, and counting down to who knows what. its days like these that cause me to question everything i believe about myself. am i really cut out for ministry? should i leave youth ministry until i get my act together? could God really have any purpose for me? am i storing up both temporal and eternal consequences with my behavior? how many more days will i waste lost in loneliness, fear, and brokeness?

do any of you ever feel this way? do you ever find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking? i know there has got to be someone out there. does anyone ever feel like no ones got thier back? is anyone else walking the tightrope of life withouts safety nets? are you out there?

different kinds of blogging

since i have started blogging again i thought it might be interesting to go around and read some of my friends blogs... you know... to kind of get a feel for what they think blogging is all about. and as i read i began to see a very noticeable pattern, most of the blogs were topical and centered around an idea or set of ideas... written as explanation or exhortation of the deeper meaning of those ideas, of which they discovered through personal revelation or experiences. but my "blog", so to speak, was very different. my expression is one of bunched up feelings and exploding emotions... sometimes its just the overflow of a day filled with forced silence and withholding. i am so afraid to let anyone see who i am really am that when i get to the computer and start typing... i just cant help myself. it just happens. it just pours out of me. and at the end of the day i cant really decide if that is a good or a bad thing. will people be encouraged by my unfettered honesty or repulsed by what they see through the transparency of my words? hmmm....

One Year

one year. one confusing year. i've taken so many steps both backwards and forwards that i have no idea where i stand. right before this year began i found my self in the darkest and lowest place i will probably ever be. the anniversary of that experience is quickly approaching... and the question of whether or not i have overcome... is steadily forcing its way into my consciousness. am i really any better than i was before? it was hard for me to today to realize that even though i have dedicated my life to serving God and His people, i still dont feel like i belong to the family of God. i still havent found a place where i belong. even within in my own community at Fresno First, there is still no place for me. and that feeling of disconnection is feeding the dissonance in my faith. i believe in one thing, but my whole life seems to be telling me something different. i know i am called to one thing, but my experiences are blurring the lines... pointing me to all kinds of different directions. and add on top of that my rebellious and disobedient behavior and you have yourself one confusing year. one out of seventy (maybe). have i really made a difference in the lives of the people around me? i cant face this coming occasion without the understanding that this year mattered, at least for an unknown divine purpose. at the end of the day though, what does anything matter if you have no one to share it with? successes and failures pass the same. what is the point of being an insightful conversationalist when you are just talking to yourself in your head?

i cant face these questions right now. and i have been doing everything, and i mean everything, i can to avoid them. but i can feel them leading me deeper and deeper to the place i have been trying to escape all year long. i know in my heart that if i dont confront them head on, then i will once again lose myself. and maybe more than that.

whats my point? don't be afraid of the truth. because as much as the discovery process may hurt, at the end of the day knowing the truth that leads to freedom is better than living a pain free life tied up in the chains of deception. even nice deceptions. the real question i have to ask myself is...

what is one year to God? do i really believe that He can make something good come out of bad choices i made?

i dont know.

choices

i always thought that maybe it was that God wanted me to see and be faced with the depth of my inequities. but im just not sure that sounds like God anymore. and maybe that was just a cop out so i didnt have to deal with my compromise. maybe its time to stop staring down my sinful nature and look straight to the Throne of God. maybe i can be on the path of life and not be focused on my destination. ok so maybe God is not going to take away my loneliness? i am forced to face that possibility. what if He has a different plan... one i cant even begin to understand? am i willing to follow Him anyway? will i leave everything, will i leave behind the world... to follow Him? will i lose my life? i think the answer must be found in my choices... my actions... my life. its one thing to beg for forgiveness in dark times and it is a whole other thing to walk out righteousness in the light. to do the right thing even when you feel like doing the wrong one.