in my heart i know that i am the kind of woman who could believe in extraordinary things. but in these last few weeks i have discovered that before i can begin to believe in the deep, spectacular adventure that the future holds for all of us... i have got to start believing in myself. or maybe rather... what God has put in me. i don't know... i haven't quite hashed out the subtleties of it all. and you know what else i have learned? that beyond all the big ideas and suppositions... at the core of a true believer... lies courage. and even deeper than courage lies hope. hope is both the reason for, and the product of courage. my heart beats a little faster when i think about it... what if i had just a little more courage than i had right now? what if i was just a little bit bolder and stronger? what kind of choices could i make... how many deceptions could i overcome... how many people could i see set free? could i be free? do i dare even ask the Lord for such a precious gift? courage. the courage to believe that i am something more than what they say i am. the courage to choose something better than temporary fixes and hiding places i find myself dwelling in now.
every great love story starts with some courageous act or choice, big or small, from one or both of the people involved. i guess somewhere inside of me i just always assumed that he (my future husband) would be the one to arrive on a white horse, having battled through this life to get to me. that i would simply be rescued and from that moment forward my life would begin, in peace. and that i would never have to fight again. but the more i look at that story... as i peel away the top layers of desire and daydreams... i begin to see the shallowness of it all.
i know in my heart that i was born to be a fighter. i was born on the battlefield. and all my life i have lived in a sort of broken independence... a kind of forced autonomy. i have been fighting for so long... for as long as i can remember. and i have so many scars to show for it. so my first instinct as i grow older and learn more about who i am... is to run as far as i can from the battle. to denounce my self as too cowardly and too weak for victory. because if i don't fight than i can't get hurt right? so i spent so many years tearing myself down. incapacitating myself so that i couldn't fight. wouldn't have to fight. but it doesn't change the fact that there is a war going on inside of me.
