Without Jesus

(Note: this a blog entry that i wrote quite some time ago and never finished or published.)

something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.

So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)

reminding myself not to disapear

all i really need right now is someone to just show up at my door and give me a big fat hug and remind me that i'm loved. sounds so stupid i know. sounds even more stupid because the amount of times i've said it before.

ok so this is interesting... i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i think i must exude like "i can handle this on my own" or an "ive got it all together" kind of vibe. because not even the people closest to me can tell when i am having a hard time. either they are not paying attention or dont care (which are options if prefer not to think about)... or i am just really really good at hiding it. and the funny thing is... i am horrible at hiding my emotions. i mean absolutely horrible at it. but i have this funny habit of just plain disapearing. if im not there, it probably means i'm lost somewhere inside myself. but i dont think any of my friends have caught on to that yet.

The Whole Truth

i have the worst knots in my stomach right now. i just had lunch with a friend and colleague of mine... and for some reason i couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth about certain situations. we started talking about the new monday night life group that just started... and how i would be a perfect fit for it because i would love the topics they are going through and i would blend really well with the people and just how perfect it would all be. and then she went on to say that she needs to avoid the temptation to invite me to participate because of how young i am. my age. its the biggest obstacle that stands between me and the solid Christian support that i need to thrive in my faith. it just doesn't seem right to me... that i should be left in the cold just because i am few years younger. i should have just told her that. i should have just told her the whole truth... not just that things have been really "hard" lately... but that i am desperate for some real solid Christian perspective... that i have hit rock bottom over and over and over again this year... and at the root of my inability to grow in my faith is a lack of Christian companionship and accountability. i should have just told her that as mature as i want to be in my feelings towards my church and the fact that there is no place for me... sometimes it just hurts and i dont know how to feel any other way about it. i should have told that i think i may need to step back from youth ministry because i don't have any support around me. i should have just told her that i have run out of options and im not sure how much longer i can stay at fresno first and be alone. i wish i could have just told her the whole truth. not just parts of it that make me look like a stronger, more mature person than i am. i owe her that. i owe myself that. but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. and so thats why i am sitting here at my desk with a huge stomach ache, wondering about the steps that follow half truths, and where in the world i go from here.