update

i feel the need to update this blogspot... lets see... what has been happening lately? my new motto in life is "just do it" courtesy of shannon harris. its so true you know? sometimes, especially when you are in college and homework is boring and you dont always feel like you have a direction you are headed in, sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. not even what you need to do, but what you want to do. i really want to have a clean bedroom everyday. so i need to just do it! its quite a freeing realization for me.

what else... i think there are 30 days or something like that until onething. (www.ihop.org/onething) i am definately excited about that but i am also excited about the rest of the trip... and getting a break from ordinary life. plus i love going halfway across the country in an airplane. i love the moving sidewalks in the airport. and i love take off. so it shall all be very exciting...

i have been thinking a lot lately about people from high school, and a friend of mine just recently posted about missing old friends... it is kind of sad. in this life... we transistion so much. sometimes i think we would all be happier if we would all just stick together. but i guess that is what college is like... you leave your friends to make new friends that you will leave when you graduate college. in the end... i think i am glad i stayed in town. i have friends here, ones i love and care about and ones that love and care about me. not those here today gone tomorrow kind of friends.

one thing i wish i could do better is reach out to people. i think a lot of people are lonely and maybe they dont always say it. i know i have had times in the past two years of extreme loneliness... and there were a couple of people who reached out to me. ohps... got to go back to work!

angela

its like youve turned off the tap and the pipes are groaning and my bottom lip is shaking because fear is the beauty that is left when love has gone away. did that make any sense to you... lol... me neither. ladies and gentlemen that is what we call abstraction/non-sense. sometimes i wish i could sound so much bigger than i am... because i want to be big and great, but i am small. i am small and foolish and plain.

"make not provision for the flesh"

a.ka.

"stop thinking about yourself"

angela

one day you wake up and your life is a nightmare in 3D in the imax theatre. the next day you wake up your cinderella in her tower room singing of the days when her dreams will come true. and sometimes your the lily in a desert... a shining star in a vast black universe... perfectly unique and utterly unstoppable. last night i cried myself to sleep... drempt of invasion and ravishing of innocence... and woke up in tears. then i said to myself... no more... i dont care what the enemy throws in my face... i am going to stand in faith of something i cannot see... Lord Jesus you are holy and kind and faithful forever and your love for me conquers all things. so i did. and i prayed. and i prayed. and i tried so hard to smile. and to show love and kindness. and though my heart was pained at the recent events and circumstances i told myself that it is possible things might not get better soon... it may be a very long time... but God loves me always. but then... my mind lost it. my stomach started hurting, my mind was reeling with pressures from all around me... i was mean to my friend... too nice to another one... and then i prayed. surrendered. God i dont know what to do... Lord Jesus please help me because i know my ways are not your ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. and i lost it more. and i prayed more. and here i am. wedged between joy and despair... illusion and reality. when i pray to my God does He listen? how... when i beg for his protection can he let the enemy enter into my mind? I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE ANY BETTER!! i just wish i could shout... scream. im giving it all im got... and still i am sick, failing, and alone. i dont know what to believe because it seems like everything i think is wrong. ive been very sad for quite some time now... maybe about two years. and slowly... ive noticed... there are less and less people in my life who care enough to be my friend anyway. everything i say is immature... why give you my advice or input when it wouldnt matter to you anyway? ok now im just ranting... im just sick. and wondering if there are any arms out there willing to give me a big fat and very long hug... cause that is what i need right now. or at least i think so. some strong, slightly hairy, masculine arms. ones with large hands attached and well defined features. muscles, warmth, and good smells.
i cant stop crying. at all. i just do all the time, everyday, for a long time and no matter what i do i cant stop. maybe i just need to go up to heaven now... mabye i dont really have that much to offer anyone. yeah. sorry so long.

a few more words before this day is over...

well. today was different. i find myself captivated by the sunshine, the warmth filling the dark corners of my heart i didnt even know were there. God is faithful to answer the weak and defenseless. but when the darkness surrounds you... its sooooo easy to forget that. I want to love the Lord, yet i know i have room to grow in fearing Him and living His word. I want to sing. with my heart, with my voice, for the heavens and earth to resound with the melody of his holy presence. but that seems so unlikely right now, i am starting to wonder if i am dreaming the wrong dream. i am ordinary. i am small. and i am sometimes lost. can God use me for a purpose larger than my physical capacity? yes. will He? i dont know. how can you know the Lord's specific plan? all you can know for sure is that He loves you, will always take care of you, and will be faithful to fill all the desires He has put in your heart. for the Lord is faithful to answer. well i better conk out before i fall asleep right here and now. my advice, keep following your dreams no matter what they say, but be prepared for the Lord to lead you on an unexpected path, for eternal things are not made up of the same ingredients as temporary ones.

much love. hug someone. really.

angela

sometimes i feel like ok... this is really really hard but everything is going to be ok even though i dont understand how. and then other times i am like... this is crushing me, i cant breathe, and i cant get out from under it. fear sweeps over me like a buzzard over dry desert lands. I feel like darkness is chasing me, calling my name, i feel ravished by unseen evils and compromises. I dont feel safe, protected, or loved at all. and i feel so ashamed at my unbelief. i mean i know God loves me unconditionally, is my portion, my light, my life, my breath, why cant i live it? why cant i feel it? why in the middle of the night do i just want tomorrow to be over again and again until there are no more days left. just have a good time. just relax. just stop thinking about it. i always tell myself. and i pretend like im not lost beyond reason and i dont think these thoughts late at night. we all do. we all have the secret pains and fears that dont go away. maybe. maybe some of us dont. maybe some of us have grown out of the voices in our heads. maybe for some of us the horror movie in our minds has already stopped its continous loop and weve settled down to working and dreaming and living. my story has been the same for two years now... sad little depressed girl, cant seen to find her place in the world, hesitating to even try. if she had a nickel for every abandoment issue she had shed pay people just to listen to her sing her sad song in C minor. same old story, same old song as the rest of the world. exept for maybe more pathetic because she has been offered a hope she wont even take hold of... like a drowning girl refusing a lifesaver. but when wet hair and swirling waters are all this girl has ever know, sometimes she has no idea how to even hold on to the lifesaver with her raisin fingers and hypothermic spirit. and when she finds herself so deep beneath the rapids she was born into... beyond the reach of the lifesaver...

and thats where our story lies at a standstill. what happens then? does a hand reach out from the deep and pull her lower than the waters can even flow? or does a fire come that burns even the waters away? do the tears on the bathroom wall mean more than condensation?

angela