onday, June 09, 2008

• who am i doing this for? is it for Him? is it for me? is it for her, for them, or even for those?
  no one is inside my head. no one is inside my heart. no one walks, runs, or jumps, down the hallways of my mind. no one looks around a corner or into an empty room. solidarity. beauty. fire. courage. if i could just have the courage. i never imagine that life that would be this way. i never pictured the challenges i would faced. i never knew what it meant to hate my life only to save it, to die only to live eternally. for the first time i am truly writing this only for myself. i dont need an audience anymore. i have moved on. because i realized that sometimes there is just no one there on the other side of the wall. sometimes in this world you can be really truly alone.
  
  lamentations 1:7
  "In the days of her affliction and wandering
  Jerusalem remembers all the treasures
  that were hers in days of old. "
  
  lamentations 1:9
  " 9 Her filthiness clung to her skirts;
  she did not consider her future.
  Her fall was astounding;
  there was none to comfort her. "
  
  lamentations 1:13
  " 13 "From on high he sent fire,
  sent it down into my bones."
  
  lamentations 1:16
  " 16 "This is why I weep
  and my eyes overflow with tears.
  No one is near to comfort me,
  no one to restore my spirit."
  
  lamentations 2:13
  " 13 What can I say for you?
  With what can I compare you,
  O Daughter of Jerusalem?
  To what can I liken you,
  that I may comfort you,
  O Virgin Daughter of Zion?
  Your wound is as deep as the sea.
  Who can heal you?"
  
  lamentations 3:21-29
  "21 Yet this I call to mind
  and therefore I have hope:

  22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
  for his compassions never fail.

  23 They are new every morning;
  great is your faithfulness.

  24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
  therefore I will wait for him."

  25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
  to the one who seeks him;

  26 it is good to wait quietly
  for the salvation of the LORD.

  27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
  while he is young.

  28 Let him sit alone in silence,
  for the LORD has laid it on him.

  29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
  there may yet be hope."

  why do i keep on doing this? why do i sit here in the silence day after day and mourn and weep before the throne? maybe i havent quite figured that out yet. but i do know that i cant stop. He has sent fire down into my bones. i didnt know it was possible to long for someone this much. i never knew that i could want Jesus more than i want life. but i do. He is all that matters to me. if i cant follow Him, if i cant be with Him, if i cant love Him, if i cant serve Him, if i cant be in the presence of the Father, then there is absolutely no point to me existing. do you get what i am saying here? i really mean it. this is it. there is no turning back. nothing else will do.

  i have started to give up hope that i will find someone with the same passion and desire that i have. for some reason i have really been hoping to find someone to link hands with as we take a running jump off a cliff and into the ocean of His love. i wanted to find someone who wanted Him more than the air they breathe. i wanted to find someone who was ready to let it all go. i mean all of it. maybe its just time for me to jump off the cliff on my own. someday though, i believe with all my heart, that i will find that person. or maybe even more than one. they are out there. and they're looking for me.

  you'll come like the rain.