i need some lovin

this is hard. hard is such a ridiculous word. just the way its sounds. try saying it twenty times and you will realize how ridiculous it is. and how ridiculously hard this day is. i am going to write a song about it...

ohhhhhh... i need some lovin
some lovin from yoooouuuooouuoooouuu...
come on and bring me some lovin
some lovin from yoooooouuuuu.

ok so that was a stupid song. but what else can i say? i can go on and on about the sorrows of losing your fisrt love... i can use adjectives that are getting dusty on the shelves of your brain... i could try to paint an image with onion juice and make you cry... or i can say... ill get through... everything is going to be ok... i just need to tough it out. but neither sorrow nor peace are my reality... i am somewhere in between. its just hard. and i am just waiting here for comfort to come. like looking at a blanket from across the room and beckoning it to come to you. but it wont, it never will... but you havent quite yet figured out how to move your butt from the couch. but maybe the holy spirit is different. maybe the divine comforter operates differently than a blanket. i dont know.

broken heart.

honestly... i cant really see how this is going to work. i mean i kind of can... but not really. i am not meant for such harsh realities... i am a bubble floating in a toothpick world. but really though... i am quite sad. i feel like all my apple tree climbing memories are falling into a black hole of immaturity and bad timing. i dont want to admit it... but i am a mess. i keep crying all day and i almost fell down the stairs and my whole body is riddled with disapoinment and broken heart sorrows. my dreams and my desires are made of glass. the hardest thing about this for me is i am tired. its been a long and hard two years and i am ready for this wilderness to be over, i am ready to be rescued from the desert place. i feel like i need a break. i need a period of abundant blessing and overflowing joy. but i am sure everybody wants that all the time, and i have come to understand that Gods purpose is fufilled in the wilderness just as much as in the good times. sometimes even more. so what i really want is what God wants, because i know what He wants is better than what i want. but i will admit to you, and to Him, that there are my times that my heart just yearns for peacefullness and rest. i ask for so much from the Lord. i ask for humility, wisdom, comfort, protection, eyes to see and ears to hear, the ability to love those who hate me, strength, intimacy. i ask to hear His voice. i ask for rest. i cant see the answers. i dont have a vision of his glory. i am not holding on very well. but still there is seed inside my heart that is growing... and its roots are breaking through the walls of sorrow and my heart is becoming this secret garden i cant even see. i am convinced that in the center of my soul resides the holy spirit... and slowly... like a plant... the word of truth and the love of christ is permeating throughout my heart. maybe perhaps... i cant quite see the effects yet because like a seed, the first stages of growth are underground and flower are a long way away. maybe. thats what i have to believe... that is what i have to hold on to. that the word of God is true and the transformation is real and the day of reconciliation has already come and is yet to come. nonetheless... what i wouldnt give for a day at the spa.

so this is my outlet i guess and i have a lot of things i want to let out.

1. not watching tv and movies is really hard, especially when you are stressed out and you just want to chill. cause the truth is... if you have a drug... which most of us do to some extent... nothing is going to make us feel like it does. nothing is going to hit the spot. you just have to wait until there is no spot anymore.

2. change is upon me and yet... i dont embrace it. sometimes i would like to throw myself full force into what is coming... do you realize what is coming? we are on a boat on the edge of niagra falls... we are in a temporary space of illusion sitting on the edge of the waterfall of God's deep and jealous love... WE ARE ABOUT TO FALL... or perhaps we have already fallen... in love with Christ Jesus. how can we imagine? sometimes its hard. its hard to live out something you cant see or hear. but i think God knows that... and i think thats why He posses such an abundant empathy for our stuggle... such an abundant compassion on our weak hearts. sometimes i wonder... when is that day? tomorrow? at one thing? soon after? when am i going to have that day when its just like... i can talk to God like he is real... sitting next to me. i dont know... but i wait in eager anticipation for deeper revalation, deeper vision, deeper hearing, deeper love.

3. i am also kind of sad at the same time. maybe its beacuse of all the unassuredness in my life... it makes me feel like i have no skin. like i am very sensitive to what happens in my close friendships... maybe its dumb. or maybe sometimes i need some gentleness. i think a lot of people pretend to not care about stuff but they do. stuff hurts them but they dont realize it or they are so used to it they dont notice it or they just forget about it. but i am brutally self aware. its kind of not good sometimes... good other times.

4. what i wouldn't give for a good hug sometimes.

5. i think that we are exceptionally beautiful women. me and my two girlfriends that is. we are gorgeous. one of us has sparkling bright eyes and a perfectly shaped faced, the other just always looks so nice and femine, and i... well... i dont really want to say anything about myself but i will tell you that i believe i am beautiful woman. but i am overweight. i mourn that fact... because the amazing beautiful women God has created are a little bit dimmed by culture, stress, and convienience. i mean we could all be heartbreakers! i really think they are exceptionally beautiful women.

6. tomorrow is the last sunday at clovis west. thank goodness!

7. i have some prayer requests. a. wisdom b. dreams c. patience

imagine that blanket of compassion falling all around you...

angela

up and down... in and out... my soul is jumping and crouching and running all over the place. i dont feel very well right now... mostly because i know myself and i dont trust my own judgement. there is a far away corner in my soul that is just pulsating... a beat... i just want to worship. i just want to commune. there are times when i cant breath another minute without the presence of the lord... and i think the only reason i do is because i dont know how not to. i havent eaten today. except for chocolate and a donut and seven layer dip and pineapple. oh yeah and wendys. i forgot. i feel hungry. maybe its a different kind of hungry. well got to go. bye.

angela