it is rare occasion that i find myself so full of thoughts that they crowd themselves on their way out the door. so much is changing... so fast. my spirit goes war with my flesh as a massive, universal, but deeply personal, war wages on right on the boundaries of my understanding. its all cognitive dissonance and huge leaps. i mean... here i am... its the middle of the night... and i'm in this moment that seems to be a repeat off the hundreds of similar moments that passed before. anxiety... regret... a "i have no idea how i am going to pull this off" kind of feeling. except it feels different in that every moment brings me closer to the challenge. what was i thinking... dreaming this dream of serving in mexico. i mean... lets just be honest for a second. am in the least bit deserving of the kind of provision its going to take to get me there? no. am i ever really deserving of the air i would breathe on my way there. not really. if you even knew the amount of fights i have lost, and miserably so, i'm sure you would be embarrassed just to know me. i know i am. i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i have stepped so far out what is right, what is good, what is sensible, i hardly know what any of those things are anymore. and like the prodigal son... i have tried to "come to my senses" a hundred times over just to find myself back at the feet of idols and hour later. eventually i have to go one way or the other... right? i mean how much cognitive dissonance can a person handle before the paths between their mind and heart get completely fried? i feel like my realities are ripping themselves apart... and me with them.
how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.
the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.
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