So... I'm watching this awesome show and it inspired me to post my "transformation" goal:)
60lbs.
Not even that much right? Here we go:)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 9, 2010
Growing Pains
I feel trapped between the person I am and the person I am becoming. Could I be experiencing growing pains of the soul? In the confusion of it all I sometimes feel almost like I have no identity at all.
Its almost like there are two contrasting realities within me. And I can't decide which one is real. And so everyday I bounce and switch between the two, the resulting effect being chaos and constant misdirection. One day, I wake up and I'm deeply confident in my hope for the future, not because of my own propensity for success, but because I trust in faithfulness of the Lord to carry out His promises. I feel joy, and excitement, and comfort. But by that afternoon, the whole world can turn itself inside out. One emotional misstep leads to another and eventually I can't even remember why I got up that morning and why I ever believed that I could do anything at all. Eventually, in minutes, hours, or even days, I will my find way back to the Lord. And then cycle repeats itself over again.
If my life is a journey, right now I have lost myself in the desert somewhere and I am walking in a circle.
How can anyone live like that? I mean its not really living at all, its surviving. It doesn't come anywhere near the abundance of life that is promised to those who love Him. It is not the example of joy that is needed to convince the world of His power and love.
But God is speaking to my soul. I can hear Him saying that its time to let go of the me I am and finally be the me I am becoming. I think is what growing pains feel like. Every time I get close to letting go of my fear, and my self-loathing, and my pride, and my laziness, I start to get really uncomfortable. And I throw myself back into the things I used to be. Everything there makes sense. But when I find myself in the presence of the All Consuming Fire, it seems that shall never be able to understand anything at all. He is so vast, and His love is so beyond comprehension. When I stand there in His presence, it is like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over and ocean of infinite size and depth. He is terrible, and merciful, and holy. One touch from Him can change everything. One word from His mouth can give life, or take it away. Does anybody ever think about the kind of God they worship? When we pray, do we truly realize what kind of God we are talking to?
I just don't know if I can be in His presence. Part of me says that I could never be worthy, I could never be holy enough to be anywhere near Him without being completely destroyed. I mean not even Moses could see His face... but rather only saw His back passing by. I am definitely not Moses. I am just Angela.
But of course I know that my own righteousness is of no consequence in His eyes because of the sacrifice made by His son. Christianity 101 right? Well maybe understanding that and actually applying that to your faith are two different things. I mean we all know that we have been saved from our sins right? But for many of us there is still so much conflict between our flesh and our soul that the lines between "saint" and "sinner" remain quite blurry for us. So many of us who have been "freed from sin" still live in sin. We still struggle with the idea of a God who is both merciful and just. And to make that conflict all the more real, those of us who believe in Christianity as a relationship and not a religion, have the struggle of finding intimacy with a God that we cannot understand. So fear and love weave in and out of our lives, breeding both joy and sorrow.
I don't know, maybe I am the only one who takes this kind of stuff so seriously. But it is because there is another desire working its way through my heart. There is another part of me that says I can do nothing but be in His presence. That I want nothing else but to be in His presence. That is it more important to me than food, than water, than the very air I breathe. That I would give my whole life on this earth, for just one day in His presence. There is no other dream, no other desire, no other purpose, which matters more to me.
I'm pretty sure that puts on the edge of insanity by the world's standards. Heck, by modern Christianity's standards. We are taught in the Church these days that we are slowly climbing the ladder of spiritual maturity, slowly conquering one sin at a time on our way to righteousness. We are taught to live balanced, normal, good Christian lives. We aren't taught anything about desire. About hunger. About the unwillingness to live in a world where Christians aren't the constantly challenging the status quo with God's love.
I know the spiritual back and forth I put myself through is not healthy. But I am starting to understand that there are deeper questions, deeper issues, at the root of the problem. I am not normal, and I am not entirely sane, but at least the status quo of my life is constantly being challenged. Maybe that is what it is going to take for me to grow. Maybe God need to shake everything that can be shaken within me. At the end of the day I have to believe that He has a purpose for this stage of my life.
I know my blogs are incredibly personal and revealing. And for a while I was like, "Well maybe I shouldn't blog like this anymore, it kind of freaks people out." But what I have realized is that people need to talk about this kind of stuff. Christians especially. We need to face the questions that we have inside of us, the ones that threaten to crumble our faith at the next crisis life brings. The cracks in our foundations. Maybe we all need to just sit down and share with someone we trust about cracks in our foundations. To be honest about where we are in our faith, and the doubts that stand waiting in the wings of our hearts for the opportunity to destroy us. To rethink, to challenge, the status quo of our lives. To allow ourselves to experience uncomfortable, but unmistakably necessary, growing pains.
Its almost like there are two contrasting realities within me. And I can't decide which one is real. And so everyday I bounce and switch between the two, the resulting effect being chaos and constant misdirection. One day, I wake up and I'm deeply confident in my hope for the future, not because of my own propensity for success, but because I trust in faithfulness of the Lord to carry out His promises. I feel joy, and excitement, and comfort. But by that afternoon, the whole world can turn itself inside out. One emotional misstep leads to another and eventually I can't even remember why I got up that morning and why I ever believed that I could do anything at all. Eventually, in minutes, hours, or even days, I will my find way back to the Lord. And then cycle repeats itself over again.
If my life is a journey, right now I have lost myself in the desert somewhere and I am walking in a circle.
How can anyone live like that? I mean its not really living at all, its surviving. It doesn't come anywhere near the abundance of life that is promised to those who love Him. It is not the example of joy that is needed to convince the world of His power and love.
But God is speaking to my soul. I can hear Him saying that its time to let go of the me I am and finally be the me I am becoming. I think is what growing pains feel like. Every time I get close to letting go of my fear, and my self-loathing, and my pride, and my laziness, I start to get really uncomfortable. And I throw myself back into the things I used to be. Everything there makes sense. But when I find myself in the presence of the All Consuming Fire, it seems that shall never be able to understand anything at all. He is so vast, and His love is so beyond comprehension. When I stand there in His presence, it is like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over and ocean of infinite size and depth. He is terrible, and merciful, and holy. One touch from Him can change everything. One word from His mouth can give life, or take it away. Does anybody ever think about the kind of God they worship? When we pray, do we truly realize what kind of God we are talking to?
I just don't know if I can be in His presence. Part of me says that I could never be worthy, I could never be holy enough to be anywhere near Him without being completely destroyed. I mean not even Moses could see His face... but rather only saw His back passing by. I am definitely not Moses. I am just Angela.
But of course I know that my own righteousness is of no consequence in His eyes because of the sacrifice made by His son. Christianity 101 right? Well maybe understanding that and actually applying that to your faith are two different things. I mean we all know that we have been saved from our sins right? But for many of us there is still so much conflict between our flesh and our soul that the lines between "saint" and "sinner" remain quite blurry for us. So many of us who have been "freed from sin" still live in sin. We still struggle with the idea of a God who is both merciful and just. And to make that conflict all the more real, those of us who believe in Christianity as a relationship and not a religion, have the struggle of finding intimacy with a God that we cannot understand. So fear and love weave in and out of our lives, breeding both joy and sorrow.
I don't know, maybe I am the only one who takes this kind of stuff so seriously. But it is because there is another desire working its way through my heart. There is another part of me that says I can do nothing but be in His presence. That I want nothing else but to be in His presence. That is it more important to me than food, than water, than the very air I breathe. That I would give my whole life on this earth, for just one day in His presence. There is no other dream, no other desire, no other purpose, which matters more to me.
I'm pretty sure that puts on the edge of insanity by the world's standards. Heck, by modern Christianity's standards. We are taught in the Church these days that we are slowly climbing the ladder of spiritual maturity, slowly conquering one sin at a time on our way to righteousness. We are taught to live balanced, normal, good Christian lives. We aren't taught anything about desire. About hunger. About the unwillingness to live in a world where Christians aren't the constantly challenging the status quo with God's love.
I know the spiritual back and forth I put myself through is not healthy. But I am starting to understand that there are deeper questions, deeper issues, at the root of the problem. I am not normal, and I am not entirely sane, but at least the status quo of my life is constantly being challenged. Maybe that is what it is going to take for me to grow. Maybe God need to shake everything that can be shaken within me. At the end of the day I have to believe that He has a purpose for this stage of my life.
I know my blogs are incredibly personal and revealing. And for a while I was like, "Well maybe I shouldn't blog like this anymore, it kind of freaks people out." But what I have realized is that people need to talk about this kind of stuff. Christians especially. We need to face the questions that we have inside of us, the ones that threaten to crumble our faith at the next crisis life brings. The cracks in our foundations. Maybe we all need to just sit down and share with someone we trust about cracks in our foundations. To be honest about where we are in our faith, and the doubts that stand waiting in the wings of our hearts for the opportunity to destroy us. To rethink, to challenge, the status quo of our lives. To allow ourselves to experience uncomfortable, but unmistakably necessary, growing pains.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Calling
What a mysterious thing. I have grappling with my calling as of late. Asking deep questions about what it means to be "called" to something or somewhere. When I left Mexico, I was almost certain that I was headed into a specific time of victory in my life. I had this feeling like, "This is my chance. I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. This is my chance to be the overcomer I have always wanted to be." I thought that was my calling.
But today sings a different tune. And I find myself compelled to find the reality hidden in its melodies. What do I really know about myself? What do I really know about my calling?
One thing I know. That I have been called to desperately hunger for God. To long, to seek, to desire Him beyond the possible, and trust in Him for impossible measures of His presence. I have been called to burn for Him. Before my petitions for His gifts, before my plans for His ministry, before my own ideas of the person He should mold me to be. And I am so very hungry. I have been set on fire, I feel it in my bones. I know it to be my unique calling.
But it doesn't speak to me in specifics. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should sign up for ten months in the pink house or move back to Mexico. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should pursue graphic design or go to seminary. And to be honest, these last four months in spiritual terms could best be described as a series of wrong turns and last minute cries for grace, not the triumphal parade that played out in my expectations. What is God trying to say?
I was so convinced that Fresno was it. That I could make a difference here. Because I love my family, I love my church, and I love the people of this city. I thought that was enough. That somehow an opportunity would emerge for me to serve, to grow, to contribute something more. Something out of what I had gained during those five months. But so far, it has been business as usual.
At first I was convinced it was because God was trying to teach me something about that first calling. About my first love. But can that be a life? Just loving God all day long, praying all day long, worshiping all day long, with absolutely no sense for where you are headed except for closer to Him? So many would say no. Just the idea of such an existence contradicts every American sensibility I have.
But all I want to do is be with Him.
So I come back to the question. What does it mean to be called? Tonight, it brings me peace to know that I don't have to have the answer to that question.
All I have to do is trust. And there is so much joy to be found in that understanding that I can so easily get lost in it and forget I was ever wondering about calling at all. I have been swept away by His love, who knows where I'm going?
But today sings a different tune. And I find myself compelled to find the reality hidden in its melodies. What do I really know about myself? What do I really know about my calling?
One thing I know. That I have been called to desperately hunger for God. To long, to seek, to desire Him beyond the possible, and trust in Him for impossible measures of His presence. I have been called to burn for Him. Before my petitions for His gifts, before my plans for His ministry, before my own ideas of the person He should mold me to be. And I am so very hungry. I have been set on fire, I feel it in my bones. I know it to be my unique calling.
But it doesn't speak to me in specifics. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should sign up for ten months in the pink house or move back to Mexico. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should pursue graphic design or go to seminary. And to be honest, these last four months in spiritual terms could best be described as a series of wrong turns and last minute cries for grace, not the triumphal parade that played out in my expectations. What is God trying to say?
I was so convinced that Fresno was it. That I could make a difference here. Because I love my family, I love my church, and I love the people of this city. I thought that was enough. That somehow an opportunity would emerge for me to serve, to grow, to contribute something more. Something out of what I had gained during those five months. But so far, it has been business as usual.
At first I was convinced it was because God was trying to teach me something about that first calling. About my first love. But can that be a life? Just loving God all day long, praying all day long, worshiping all day long, with absolutely no sense for where you are headed except for closer to Him? So many would say no. Just the idea of such an existence contradicts every American sensibility I have.
But all I want to do is be with Him.
So I come back to the question. What does it mean to be called? Tonight, it brings me peace to know that I don't have to have the answer to that question.
All I have to do is trust. And there is so much joy to be found in that understanding that I can so easily get lost in it and forget I was ever wondering about calling at all. I have been swept away by His love, who knows where I'm going?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
to thine own self be true
Here is what I have realized. You are who you are. And your problems... whatever they may be... are yours and yours alone. Thats what I need to understand.
You can't run away from them. You can't run to Mexico, you can't run to the arms of a lover, you can't even run home. Because most of them are inside of you. And you are who you are.
You can't ignore them. You can't blind your eyes with television, you can't turn your dreams towards better things, you can't pretend everything is just ok.
You can't make excuses for them. You can't say, "I'll fix myself tomorrow." or, "It's how I grew up." or even, "It's not that bad."
You can't stop being you. So whatever is inside of you... first and foremost... be honest about it. Today and everyday, "to thine own self be true."
So tomorrow, give yourself the gift of honesty. Let go of the image you've been projecting and take a good long look in the mirror. Stop trying to hide. Behind the technology. Behind the fantasy. Behind the money. Behind the lust. Behind life itself.
Tomorrow, and everyday, you are who you are.
You can't run away from them. You can't run to Mexico, you can't run to the arms of a lover, you can't even run home. Because most of them are inside of you. And you are who you are.
You can't ignore them. You can't blind your eyes with television, you can't turn your dreams towards better things, you can't pretend everything is just ok.
You can't make excuses for them. You can't say, "I'll fix myself tomorrow." or, "It's how I grew up." or even, "It's not that bad."
You can't stop being you. So whatever is inside of you... first and foremost... be honest about it. Today and everyday, "to thine own self be true."
So tomorrow, give yourself the gift of honesty. Let go of the image you've been projecting and take a good long look in the mirror. Stop trying to hide. Behind the technology. Behind the fantasy. Behind the money. Behind the lust. Behind life itself.
Tomorrow, and everyday, you are who you are.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wow. Okay, it has been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog, and reading back over past posts I realize how great a distance I have come in how I see myself.
About a month ago I got back from a five month "discipleship training school" in Mexico. God changed everything for me. He chose that time in my life to answer some of the questions I had been asking a long long time. He chose that time to heal me of the loneliness I couldn't remember living a day without. All those "deep" things I talk about in my old posts... He became the piece that fit in all those caverns in my soul. And now I am alive. I don't know what other way to put it. Like our good friend Job says after his major encounter with the Lord...
"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Maybe thats all that needs to be said. I recant of my former statements about myself. I am uniquely beautiful... full of desire, longing, and burning for the LORD. I am not going to let the lies of the enemy overcome me anymore. So my blog wont be quite as darkly poetic as used to be, but I am new excited for this new chapter. I'm ready to share with you the things I am passionate about. Ready to engage in the conversation of how we can make this world a better place. Ready to just let myself be human, just like everybody else, and walk this life out together, doing the best we can to shine a light.
So yeah. Lets get moving.
Angela
About a month ago I got back from a five month "discipleship training school" in Mexico. God changed everything for me. He chose that time in my life to answer some of the questions I had been asking a long long time. He chose that time to heal me of the loneliness I couldn't remember living a day without. All those "deep" things I talk about in my old posts... He became the piece that fit in all those caverns in my soul. And now I am alive. I don't know what other way to put it. Like our good friend Job says after his major encounter with the Lord...
"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Maybe thats all that needs to be said. I recant of my former statements about myself. I am uniquely beautiful... full of desire, longing, and burning for the LORD. I am not going to let the lies of the enemy overcome me anymore. So my blog wont be quite as darkly poetic as used to be, but I am new excited for this new chapter. I'm ready to share with you the things I am passionate about. Ready to engage in the conversation of how we can make this world a better place. Ready to just let myself be human, just like everybody else, and walk this life out together, doing the best we can to shine a light.
So yeah. Lets get moving.
Angela
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
cognitive dissonance
it is rare occasion that i find myself so full of thoughts that they crowd themselves on their way out the door. so much is changing... so fast. my spirit goes war with my flesh as a massive, universal, but deeply personal, war wages on right on the boundaries of my understanding. its all cognitive dissonance and huge leaps. i mean... here i am... its the middle of the night... and i'm in this moment that seems to be a repeat off the hundreds of similar moments that passed before. anxiety... regret... a "i have no idea how i am going to pull this off" kind of feeling. except it feels different in that every moment brings me closer to the challenge. what was i thinking... dreaming this dream of serving in mexico. i mean... lets just be honest for a second. am in the least bit deserving of the kind of provision its going to take to get me there? no. am i ever really deserving of the air i would breathe on my way there. not really. if you even knew the amount of fights i have lost, and miserably so, i'm sure you would be embarrassed just to know me. i know i am. i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i have stepped so far out what is right, what is good, what is sensible, i hardly know what any of those things are anymore. and like the prodigal son... i have tried to "come to my senses" a hundred times over just to find myself back at the feet of idols and hour later. eventually i have to go one way or the other... right? i mean how much cognitive dissonance can a person handle before the paths between their mind and heart get completely fried? i feel like my realities are ripping themselves apart... and me with them.
how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.
the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.
how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.
the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Fragments.
There are things that I love in this life... none of them have to do with the world.
I want to go home... in more ways than one.
I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.
Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.
Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.
Do you think I should drive in the dark?
I want to go home.
Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.
I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.
Crying at my desk.
I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.
Broken fragments.
I want to go home... in more ways than one.
I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.
Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.
Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.
Do you think I should drive in the dark?
I want to go home.
Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.
I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.
Crying at my desk.
I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.
Broken fragments.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Courage, Love, and the Fight.
in my heart i know that i am the kind of woman who could believe in extraordinary things. but in these last few weeks i have discovered that before i can begin to believe in the deep, spectacular adventure that the future holds for all of us... i have got to start believing in myself. or maybe rather... what God has put in me. i don't know... i haven't quite hashed out the subtleties of it all. and you know what else i have learned? that beyond all the big ideas and suppositions... at the core of a true believer... lies courage. and even deeper than courage lies hope. hope is both the reason for, and the product of courage. my heart beats a little faster when i think about it... what if i had just a little more courage than i had right now? what if i was just a little bit bolder and stronger? what kind of choices could i make... how many deceptions could i overcome... how many people could i see set free? could i be free? do i dare even ask the Lord for such a precious gift? courage. the courage to believe that i am something more than what they say i am. the courage to choose something better than temporary fixes and hiding places i find myself dwelling in now.
every great love story starts with some courageous act or choice, big or small, from one or both of the people involved. i guess somewhere inside of me i just always assumed that he (my future husband) would be the one to arrive on a white horse, having battled through this life to get to me. that i would simply be rescued and from that moment forward my life would begin, in peace. and that i would never have to fight again. but the more i look at that story... as i peel away the top layers of desire and daydreams... i begin to see the shallowness of it all.
i know in my heart that i was born to be a fighter. i was born on the battlefield. and all my life i have lived in a sort of broken independence... a kind of forced autonomy. i have been fighting for so long... for as long as i can remember. and i have so many scars to show for it. so my first instinct as i grow older and learn more about who i am... is to run as far as i can from the battle. to denounce my self as too cowardly and too weak for victory. because if i don't fight than i can't get hurt right? so i spent so many years tearing myself down. incapacitating myself so that i couldn't fight. wouldn't have to fight. but it doesn't change the fact that there is a war going on inside of me.
every great love story starts with some courageous act or choice, big or small, from one or both of the people involved. i guess somewhere inside of me i just always assumed that he (my future husband) would be the one to arrive on a white horse, having battled through this life to get to me. that i would simply be rescued and from that moment forward my life would begin, in peace. and that i would never have to fight again. but the more i look at that story... as i peel away the top layers of desire and daydreams... i begin to see the shallowness of it all.
i know in my heart that i was born to be a fighter. i was born on the battlefield. and all my life i have lived in a sort of broken independence... a kind of forced autonomy. i have been fighting for so long... for as long as i can remember. and i have so many scars to show for it. so my first instinct as i grow older and learn more about who i am... is to run as far as i can from the battle. to denounce my self as too cowardly and too weak for victory. because if i don't fight than i can't get hurt right? so i spent so many years tearing myself down. incapacitating myself so that i couldn't fight. wouldn't have to fight. but it doesn't change the fact that there is a war going on inside of me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Without Jesus
(Note: this a blog entry that i wrote quite some time ago and never finished or published.)
something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.
So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)
something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.
So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
reminding myself not to disapear
all i really need right now is someone to just show up at my door and give me a big fat hug and remind me that i'm loved. sounds so stupid i know. sounds even more stupid because the amount of times i've said it before.
ok so this is interesting... i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i think i must exude like "i can handle this on my own" or an "ive got it all together" kind of vibe. because not even the people closest to me can tell when i am having a hard time. either they are not paying attention or dont care (which are options if prefer not to think about)... or i am just really really good at hiding it. and the funny thing is... i am horrible at hiding my emotions. i mean absolutely horrible at it. but i have this funny habit of just plain disapearing. if im not there, it probably means i'm lost somewhere inside myself. but i dont think any of my friends have caught on to that yet.
ok so this is interesting... i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i think i must exude like "i can handle this on my own" or an "ive got it all together" kind of vibe. because not even the people closest to me can tell when i am having a hard time. either they are not paying attention or dont care (which are options if prefer not to think about)... or i am just really really good at hiding it. and the funny thing is... i am horrible at hiding my emotions. i mean absolutely horrible at it. but i have this funny habit of just plain disapearing. if im not there, it probably means i'm lost somewhere inside myself. but i dont think any of my friends have caught on to that yet.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Whole Truth
i have the worst knots in my stomach right now. i just had lunch with a friend and colleague of mine... and for some reason i couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth about certain situations. we started talking about the new monday night life group that just started... and how i would be a perfect fit for it because i would love the topics they are going through and i would blend really well with the people and just how perfect it would all be. and then she went on to say that she needs to avoid the temptation to invite me to participate because of how young i am. my age. its the biggest obstacle that stands between me and the solid Christian support that i need to thrive in my faith. it just doesn't seem right to me... that i should be left in the cold just because i am few years younger. i should have just told her that. i should have just told her the whole truth... not just that things have been really "hard" lately... but that i am desperate for some real solid Christian perspective... that i have hit rock bottom over and over and over again this year... and at the root of my inability to grow in my faith is a lack of Christian companionship and accountability. i should have just told her that as mature as i want to be in my feelings towards my church and the fact that there is no place for me... sometimes it just hurts and i dont know how to feel any other way about it. i should have told that i think i may need to step back from youth ministry because i don't have any support around me. i should have just told her that i have run out of options and im not sure how much longer i can stay at fresno first and be alone. i wish i could have just told her the whole truth. not just parts of it that make me look like a stronger, more mature person than i am. i owe her that. i owe myself that. but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. and so thats why i am sitting here at my desk with a huge stomach ache, wondering about the steps that follow half truths, and where in the world i go from here.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Sunday's Schedule
Church... 9a - 12:00p
Prayer Encounter Team Meeting... 2:00p - 3:30p
Church Softball Team Practice... 4p - 5:30p
Christian Rock Worship Roadshow... 6p - who knows when
Finishing Fresno First LIFE Newsletter... somewhere in between all that.
Spending time with God and resting on the Sabbath... probably not going to be able to squeeze that in this Sunday.
Wow. It just kills me to think about it. Ok yeah... part of it is my fault for saying yes to these various "meetings" in the first place. Its true that if I don't like the fact that softball practice is on Sundays, then I don't have to join the Softball team. Its true that if there is a ministry team that meets on Sundays, then I don't have to join that team. But what am I supposed to do... just quit doing ministry? The Church has gotten so used to being busy on Sundays because they can't catch peoples attention any other day of the week. They can't seem to convince people to sacrafice a night of LOST or Grey's Anatomy to head over to the Church for a ministry team meeting. So the solution has commonly been to beat as much stuff into a sunday as is possible. Which is totally crazy to me! What... like God isn't as important on any other day of the week? If you really want to do ministry... you'll sacrifice things... and you'll cut stuff out of your schedule so you'll be there and you can serve and you can grow. But the one day that we are taught to keep holy, as a day rest and sanctification, we trample all over with our own plans. The Church is the biggest Sabbath killer in my life. But at the end of the day... I have to realize that it comes down to my choices. I have got to learn to say no. Cause I don't think God accepts the excuse "the Church made me do it". He'd probably just say right back to me, "You are the Church, do something about it!"
Prayer Encounter Team Meeting... 2:00p - 3:30p
Church Softball Team Practice... 4p - 5:30p
Christian Rock Worship Roadshow... 6p - who knows when
Finishing Fresno First LIFE Newsletter... somewhere in between all that.
Spending time with God and resting on the Sabbath... probably not going to be able to squeeze that in this Sunday.
Wow. It just kills me to think about it. Ok yeah... part of it is my fault for saying yes to these various "meetings" in the first place. Its true that if I don't like the fact that softball practice is on Sundays, then I don't have to join the Softball team. Its true that if there is a ministry team that meets on Sundays, then I don't have to join that team. But what am I supposed to do... just quit doing ministry? The Church has gotten so used to being busy on Sundays because they can't catch peoples attention any other day of the week. They can't seem to convince people to sacrafice a night of LOST or Grey's Anatomy to head over to the Church for a ministry team meeting. So the solution has commonly been to beat as much stuff into a sunday as is possible. Which is totally crazy to me! What... like God isn't as important on any other day of the week? If you really want to do ministry... you'll sacrifice things... and you'll cut stuff out of your schedule so you'll be there and you can serve and you can grow. But the one day that we are taught to keep holy, as a day rest and sanctification, we trample all over with our own plans. The Church is the biggest Sabbath killer in my life. But at the end of the day... I have to realize that it comes down to my choices. I have got to learn to say no. Cause I don't think God accepts the excuse "the Church made me do it". He'd probably just say right back to me, "You are the Church, do something about it!"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Slo-pitch.
So for those of you who don't know... I just recently joined the Fresno First CO-ED Slo-Pitch Softball team. We play on Friday nights at Lincoln Elementary if you ever want to come hang out and watch a game. But yeah... I really enjoy it. Our coach... he is just the kind of guy you can tell totally legit. For him, the game, the team, the process, its all about glorifying the Lord. And as I was listening to him pray for the team at practice a couple of fridays ago... I was just really moved. What great faith... to know that God is with us and for us in even the "simplest" of things. But its really not simple at all. Its an adventure. Its living and breathing and laughing and playing hard... and witnessing to others through our character and sportsmanship. Lol... please forgive me if I am getting all hyper-symbollic on you;) I just really excited/passionate about things that are... real. And not only that but while I was pondering my Coach's amazing motivations... I started to wonder about my own. What exactly am I doing on a softball team? I mean... look at me. Just look at me. I have absolutely no coordination or athletic ability... I am completely out of shape, overweight, and harboring a secret eating disorder. So first I was like... what business do I have on a Softball team? But then I tried looking at it from another perspective. If I was a healthy and happy version of myself... looking at the current version of myself... what would I see? Would I tell that person... hey you probably shouldn't join our team cause you'll just slow us down? Probably not. I would probably see that person's adventurous spirit and positive attitude, and over time I would begin to respect their courage in playing hard even though they don't have the same abilities as everyone else. And at the end of the day... I would find inspiration and encouragement in the courageous actions of my team mate. We should follow our dreams, live hard, play hard, no matter what curveballs our life throws us. And if for me that means going out there every friday and striking out... then its worth it. I want to play Softball because I know I am more than the sum of all my parts, and that if I can choose to be courageous in the "simplest" of things, maybe I will learn to be courageous in my faith. Which, at the end of the day, is the only thing that matters to me. So yeah... come out and chillax with the Fresno First team this friday at Lincoln Elementary at 6:15pm cause I'm bringing snacks:)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Being Nowhere.
ok so now i remember why i stopped blogging. cause sometimes it can make you feel really... echoey. like you just put your voice out there and all it does is bounce off the walls. and when you get a hefty dose of that during the day... its not very encouraging to come home and relive it all over again. like right now. except this time i didn't go home. in fact... i dont really see the point of going home. it doesn't really feel like my home... its just another place. another option. in fact, right now, all places pretty much feel the same. i could go hang out with an old friend at starbucks, lay in the grass at a park, call in sick tomorrow and go to the beach, go on a shopping spree and revamp my wardrobe, make a pilgramage to somewhere holy, down a box of ice cream, indulge my desires, punish myself for my disobedience, sleep, breathe, live, die... it doesnt matter. nothing is going to change the disconnect i feel right now. trust me... i know. because I have tried everything I even know how to think of. and i have over analyzed every possible solution, every possible path to redemption. but at the end of the day it all comes out the same. the same root always remains solidly in place. so thats why i am sitting here, in my office, wasting time, burning daylight, and counting down to who knows what. its days like these that cause me to question everything i believe about myself. am i really cut out for ministry? should i leave youth ministry until i get my act together? could God really have any purpose for me? am i storing up both temporal and eternal consequences with my behavior? how many more days will i waste lost in loneliness, fear, and brokeness?
do any of you ever feel this way? do you ever find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking? i know there has got to be someone out there. does anyone ever feel like no ones got thier back? is anyone else walking the tightrope of life withouts safety nets? are you out there?
do any of you ever feel this way? do you ever find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking? i know there has got to be someone out there. does anyone ever feel like no ones got thier back? is anyone else walking the tightrope of life withouts safety nets? are you out there?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
different kinds of blogging
since i have started blogging again i thought it might be interesting to go around and read some of my friends blogs... you know... to kind of get a feel for what they think blogging is all about. and as i read i began to see a very noticeable pattern, most of the blogs were topical and centered around an idea or set of ideas... written as explanation or exhortation of the deeper meaning of those ideas, of which they discovered through personal revelation or experiences. but my "blog", so to speak, was very different. my expression is one of bunched up feelings and exploding emotions... sometimes its just the overflow of a day filled with forced silence and withholding. i am so afraid to let anyone see who i am really am that when i get to the computer and start typing... i just cant help myself. it just happens. it just pours out of me. and at the end of the day i cant really decide if that is a good or a bad thing. will people be encouraged by my unfettered honesty or repulsed by what they see through the transparency of my words? hmmm....
One Year
one year. one confusing year. i've taken so many steps both backwards and forwards that i have no idea where i stand. right before this year began i found my self in the darkest and lowest place i will probably ever be. the anniversary of that experience is quickly approaching... and the question of whether or not i have overcome... is steadily forcing its way into my consciousness. am i really any better than i was before? it was hard for me to today to realize that even though i have dedicated my life to serving God and His people, i still dont feel like i belong to the family of God. i still havent found a place where i belong. even within in my own community at Fresno First, there is still no place for me. and that feeling of disconnection is feeding the dissonance in my faith. i believe in one thing, but my whole life seems to be telling me something different. i know i am called to one thing, but my experiences are blurring the lines... pointing me to all kinds of different directions. and add on top of that my rebellious and disobedient behavior and you have yourself one confusing year. one out of seventy (maybe). have i really made a difference in the lives of the people around me? i cant face this coming occasion without the understanding that this year mattered, at least for an unknown divine purpose. at the end of the day though, what does anything matter if you have no one to share it with? successes and failures pass the same. what is the point of being an insightful conversationalist when you are just talking to yourself in your head?
i cant face these questions right now. and i have been doing everything, and i mean everything, i can to avoid them. but i can feel them leading me deeper and deeper to the place i have been trying to escape all year long. i know in my heart that if i dont confront them head on, then i will once again lose myself. and maybe more than that.
whats my point? don't be afraid of the truth. because as much as the discovery process may hurt, at the end of the day knowing the truth that leads to freedom is better than living a pain free life tied up in the chains of deception. even nice deceptions. the real question i have to ask myself is...
what is one year to God? do i really believe that He can make something good come out of bad choices i made?
i dont know.
i cant face these questions right now. and i have been doing everything, and i mean everything, i can to avoid them. but i can feel them leading me deeper and deeper to the place i have been trying to escape all year long. i know in my heart that if i dont confront them head on, then i will once again lose myself. and maybe more than that.
whats my point? don't be afraid of the truth. because as much as the discovery process may hurt, at the end of the day knowing the truth that leads to freedom is better than living a pain free life tied up in the chains of deception. even nice deceptions. the real question i have to ask myself is...
what is one year to God? do i really believe that He can make something good come out of bad choices i made?
i dont know.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
choices
i always thought that maybe it was that God wanted me to see and be faced with the depth of my inequities. but im just not sure that sounds like God anymore. and maybe that was just a cop out so i didnt have to deal with my compromise. maybe its time to stop staring down my sinful nature and look straight to the Throne of God. maybe i can be on the path of life and not be focused on my destination. ok so maybe God is not going to take away my loneliness? i am forced to face that possibility. what if He has a different plan... one i cant even begin to understand? am i willing to follow Him anyway? will i leave everything, will i leave behind the world... to follow Him? will i lose my life? i think the answer must be found in my choices... my actions... my life. its one thing to beg for forgiveness in dark times and it is a whole other thing to walk out righteousness in the light. to do the right thing even when you feel like doing the wrong one.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
last night i just had to get out. i was sitting in my bed thinking about how much i just want to go home. but i kept telling myself... angela there is just nowhere to go. but around ten fifteen i just couldn't stay there any longer... i ran outside and the whole world was shaking... i got in my car and ended up driving to the revue. i just had to go home.
i ordered my camomile tea and sat in one of the back corner booths. the same one vicente likes to sit at while he's drawing pictures of my friend laura. i listened to jj heller and opened my bible... but i couldnt read... all i could do was listen.
"dont let your eyes get used to darkness
the light is coming soon
dont let your heart get used to sadness
put your hope in what is true
no matter how the wind may blow
it cannot shake the sun
lay your sorrows on the ground
its time to come back home."
and look. all i could see was the empty space across from me. there was no one there. but my mind started forming a person... i had never realized how strong my imagination was... but all of the sudden there were the hands lying on the table next to mine... there were the shoulders leaning forward and the ears turned attentively to my tears... and i could see the concern and confidence in his eyes. i reached my hand out and touched his... and instead of being angry this time... instead of asking God how much longer my imagination would be my only solace... all i felt was sorrow. and all i could do was sit there and look. well and cry. but that was a given.
so eventually my apparition of love faded away and i opened up my bible again. and you would not believe the first thing i read. i mean you would not believe it...
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,
while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
that was one of those kind of moments that changes your life.
maybe you get it... maybe you dont. it doesnt really matter. what matters is... that empty space was full of promise. not possibility... but promise. He was there. and the fact that I couldnt see Him was all the proof i need.
i was home.
angela
i ordered my camomile tea and sat in one of the back corner booths. the same one vicente likes to sit at while he's drawing pictures of my friend laura. i listened to jj heller and opened my bible... but i couldnt read... all i could do was listen.
"dont let your eyes get used to darkness
the light is coming soon
dont let your heart get used to sadness
put your hope in what is true
no matter how the wind may blow
it cannot shake the sun
lay your sorrows on the ground
its time to come back home."
and look. all i could see was the empty space across from me. there was no one there. but my mind started forming a person... i had never realized how strong my imagination was... but all of the sudden there were the hands lying on the table next to mine... there were the shoulders leaning forward and the ears turned attentively to my tears... and i could see the concern and confidence in his eyes. i reached my hand out and touched his... and instead of being angry this time... instead of asking God how much longer my imagination would be my only solace... all i felt was sorrow. and all i could do was sit there and look. well and cry. but that was a given.
so eventually my apparition of love faded away and i opened up my bible again. and you would not believe the first thing i read. i mean you would not believe it...
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,
while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
that was one of those kind of moments that changes your life.
maybe you get it... maybe you dont. it doesnt really matter. what matters is... that empty space was full of promise. not possibility... but promise. He was there. and the fact that I couldnt see Him was all the proof i need.
i was home.
angela
Friday, October 10, 2008
epiphany
we want to be alive. we want to cry and laugh and dance and sing. today i was watching csi on the internet... and i dont know of any of you follow the story... but at the end of the last season one of the main csi's was murdered. so the first episode of this season was all about finding his killer and mourning his death. the very last scene was the at the funeral, and grissom was giving the eulugy. he was all choked up and couldnt finish it... all he could say was "i am going to miss him alot." and i am just so enraptured by this scene that i dont even notice that i am totally crying. and then there was this split second moment in my brain where the sensation of the tears running down my cheeks must have somehow collided with the pictures that were being delivered to my mind and bang... i had it. an epiphany. i understood why i love to watch tv so much. because i want to be alive! i want to experience life to its fullness, good emotions and bad. the richness of life is so muted by all our... conveniences. we are all so muted. there are things that pull us out from the damp gray sea that we live in... if even for a moment. like music for example. sometimes when you listen to the right song what you feel is all the sudden amplified like a hundred times. colors seem brighter, the sky is bluer, and the scent on the wind is sweeter. it almost seems as if you have been pulled into a different reality. but what i am proposing is this... what if that is reality? what if the whole world is singing and we just arent listening? what if each of our lives are songs in themselves? what if we are so distracted by all the voices in our ears that we cant hear the music? and im not just talking about the songs that make you feel good but the sad ones too. the requiems and the dirges and the "nobody knows the trouble ive seen" kind of songs. true pain and pleasure seem to be lost in this instant gratification, living without consequences provides a life of no consequence.
well i want to live. i want to feel it all. the bad and the good. the whole and the broken. the question and the answer. a life of mystery and adventure awaits the person who takes the unbeaten path. it takes work and patience but what i am starting to see is that its worth it. really living is really worth it. and thats the kind of life i want to offer to the people i love. because the music is always playing and we are all apart of the song. because the colors really are brighter than they seem. because we all want to be alive... even when we dont know what living is.
well i want to live. i want to feel it all. the bad and the good. the whole and the broken. the question and the answer. a life of mystery and adventure awaits the person who takes the unbeaten path. it takes work and patience but what i am starting to see is that its worth it. really living is really worth it. and thats the kind of life i want to offer to the people i love. because the music is always playing and we are all apart of the song. because the colors really are brighter than they seem. because we all want to be alive... even when we dont know what living is.
Monday, June 9, 2008
onday, June 09, 2008
- who am i doing this for? is it for Him? is it for me? is it for her, for them, or even for those?
no one is inside my head. no one is inside my heart. no one walks, runs, or jumps, down the hallways of my mind. no one looks around a corner or into an empty room. solidarity. beauty. fire. courage. if i could just have the courage. i never imagine that life that would be this way. i never pictured the challenges i would faced. i never knew what it meant to hate my life only to save it, to die only to live eternally. for the first time i am truly writing this only for myself. i dont need an audience anymore. i have moved on. because i realized that sometimes there is just no one there on the other side of the wall. sometimes in this world you can be really truly alone.
lamentations 1:7
"In the days of her affliction and wandering
Jerusalem remembers all the treasures
that were hers in days of old. "
lamentations 1:9
" 9 Her filthiness clung to her skirts;
she did not consider her future.
Her fall was astounding;
there was none to comfort her. "
lamentations 1:13
" 13 "From on high he sent fire,
sent it down into my bones."
lamentations 1:16
" 16 "This is why I weep
and my eyes overflow with tears.
No one is near to comfort me,
no one to restore my spirit."
lamentations 2:13
" 13 What can I say for you?
With what can I compare you,
O Daughter of Jerusalem?
To what can I liken you,
that I may comfort you,
O Virgin Daughter of Zion?
Your wound is as deep as the sea.
Who can heal you?"
lamentations 3:21-29
"21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope."why do i keep on doing this? why do i sit here in the silence day after day and mourn and weep before the throne? maybe i havent quite figured that out yet. but i do know that i cant stop. He has sent fire down into my bones. i didnt know it was possible to long for someone this much. i never knew that i could want Jesus more than i want life. but i do. He is all that matters to me. if i cant follow Him, if i cant be with Him, if i cant love Him, if i cant serve Him, if i cant be in the presence of the Father, then there is absolutely no point to me existing. do you get what i am saying here? i really mean it. this is it. there is no turning back. nothing else will do.
i have started to give up hope that i will find someone with the same passion and desire that i have. for some reason i have really been hoping to find someone to link hands with as we take a running jump off a cliff and into the ocean of His love. i wanted to find someone who wanted Him more than the air they breathe. i wanted to find someone who was ready to let it all go. i mean all of it. maybe its just time for me to jump off the cliff on my own. someday though, i believe with all my heart, that i will find that person. or maybe even more than one. they are out there. and they're looking for me.
you'll come like the rain.
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