ok so now i remember why i stopped blogging. cause sometimes it can make you feel really... echoey. like you just put your voice out there and all it does is bounce off the walls. and when you get a hefty dose of that during the day... its not very encouraging to come home and relive it all over again. like right now. except this time i didn't go home. in fact... i dont really see the point of going home. it doesn't really feel like my home... its just another place. another option. in fact, right now, all places pretty much feel the same. i could go hang out with an old friend at starbucks, lay in the grass at a park, call in sick tomorrow and go to the beach, go on a shopping spree and revamp my wardrobe, make a pilgramage to somewhere holy, down a box of ice cream, indulge my desires, punish myself for my disobedience, sleep, breathe, live, die... it doesnt matter. nothing is going to change the disconnect i feel right now. trust me... i know. because I have tried everything I even know how to think of. and i have over analyzed every possible solution, every possible path to redemption. but at the end of the day it all comes out the same. the same root always remains solidly in place. so thats why i am sitting here, in my office, wasting time, burning daylight, and counting down to who knows what. its days like these that cause me to question everything i believe about myself. am i really cut out for ministry? should i leave youth ministry until i get my act together? could God really have any purpose for me? am i storing up both temporal and eternal consequences with my behavior? how many more days will i waste lost in loneliness, fear, and brokeness?
do any of you ever feel this way? do you ever find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking? i know there has got to be someone out there. does anyone ever feel like no ones got thier back? is anyone else walking the tightrope of life withouts safety nets? are you out there?
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