One Year

one year. one confusing year. i've taken so many steps both backwards and forwards that i have no idea where i stand. right before this year began i found my self in the darkest and lowest place i will probably ever be. the anniversary of that experience is quickly approaching... and the question of whether or not i have overcome... is steadily forcing its way into my consciousness. am i really any better than i was before? it was hard for me to today to realize that even though i have dedicated my life to serving God and His people, i still dont feel like i belong to the family of God. i still havent found a place where i belong. even within in my own community at Fresno First, there is still no place for me. and that feeling of disconnection is feeding the dissonance in my faith. i believe in one thing, but my whole life seems to be telling me something different. i know i am called to one thing, but my experiences are blurring the lines... pointing me to all kinds of different directions. and add on top of that my rebellious and disobedient behavior and you have yourself one confusing year. one out of seventy (maybe). have i really made a difference in the lives of the people around me? i cant face this coming occasion without the understanding that this year mattered, at least for an unknown divine purpose. at the end of the day though, what does anything matter if you have no one to share it with? successes and failures pass the same. what is the point of being an insightful conversationalist when you are just talking to yourself in your head?

i cant face these questions right now. and i have been doing everything, and i mean everything, i can to avoid them. but i can feel them leading me deeper and deeper to the place i have been trying to escape all year long. i know in my heart that if i dont confront them head on, then i will once again lose myself. and maybe more than that.

whats my point? don't be afraid of the truth. because as much as the discovery process may hurt, at the end of the day knowing the truth that leads to freedom is better than living a pain free life tied up in the chains of deception. even nice deceptions. the real question i have to ask myself is...

what is one year to God? do i really believe that He can make something good come out of bad choices i made?

i dont know.