The Whole Truth

i have the worst knots in my stomach right now. i just had lunch with a friend and colleague of mine... and for some reason i couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth about certain situations. we started talking about the new monday night life group that just started... and how i would be a perfect fit for it because i would love the topics they are going through and i would blend really well with the people and just how perfect it would all be. and then she went on to say that she needs to avoid the temptation to invite me to participate because of how young i am. my age. its the biggest obstacle that stands between me and the solid Christian support that i need to thrive in my faith. it just doesn't seem right to me... that i should be left in the cold just because i am few years younger. i should have just told her that. i should have just told her the whole truth... not just that things have been really "hard" lately... but that i am desperate for some real solid Christian perspective... that i have hit rock bottom over and over and over again this year... and at the root of my inability to grow in my faith is a lack of Christian companionship and accountability. i should have just told her that as mature as i want to be in my feelings towards my church and the fact that there is no place for me... sometimes it just hurts and i dont know how to feel any other way about it. i should have told that i think i may need to step back from youth ministry because i don't have any support around me. i should have just told her that i have run out of options and im not sure how much longer i can stay at fresno first and be alone. i wish i could have just told her the whole truth. not just parts of it that make me look like a stronger, more mature person than i am. i owe her that. i owe myself that. but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. and so thats why i am sitting here at my desk with a huge stomach ache, wondering about the steps that follow half truths, and where in the world i go from here.