Without Jesus

(Note: this a blog entry that i wrote quite some time ago and never finished or published.)

something totally unique happened to me tonight. i wasn't even going to post about it... but then i realized how uncommon such an event was. i was in the prayer chapel... just crying out to God... well not just crying out. more like desperately calling... earnestly longing... just yearning for any kind sense of His presence. and then when I didn't hear any responses from Heaven... i tried being quiet and just listening. nothing. then i tried opening my word. i started reading in Joshua about how they defeated Jericho and how the people sinned by taking banned things from the city. then comes the part of the story that most people don't know and even fewer preach about. even though the sin was pervasive throughout the whole camp of Israel... God points out a family (through the casting of lots) that are to be taken out and stoned and then burned to death. and all could ask myself... and the ceiling... and maybe the Heavens... is "who the heck is this God?"... "who are You God?" and i couldnt help thinking that just because God sent Jesus in and act of compassion... it doesnt erase... or even diminish... the acts of wrath that He committed just a few hundred years before. So who is He? and it wouldnt even matter to me on a intellectual plane except for the fact that my faith, what I believe about a seemingly intangible God... is everything i base my life on. it is at the very core of who i am. its the only constant in my ever changing world. i am a Christ Follower. This is how we love. This is how we serve. This is what we believe. He is the one who has delivered us from our captivity. And for me it runs even deeper. He was the one that stopped me from killing myself a year ago. He is the only reason that i ever find the courage to get out of the bed in the morning. If He was gone... I would be gone. I just know it in my bones.

So here is what happened to me that was so unique. For a couple minutes... I mused to myself about what my life would be like without Jesus. What would I do? If not ministry... then what?
How would I thrive? Where would I find my source of strenghth, my protection, my provision? If there is no Jesus, how could I overcome my own depravity, my own emptiness? If there is no Jesus... then what makes sense anymore? But I have never felt more like there is no Jesus than right now. And for the first time in my life I can see some... (see note above)