epiphany

we want to be alive. we want to cry and laugh and dance and sing. today i was watching csi on the internet... and i dont know of any of you follow the story... but at the end of the last season one of the main csi's was murdered. so the first episode of this season was all about finding his killer and mourning his death. the very last scene was the at the funeral, and grissom was giving the eulugy. he was all choked up and couldnt finish it... all he could say was "i am going to miss him alot." and i am just so enraptured by this scene that i dont even notice that i am totally crying. and then there was this split second moment in my brain where the sensation of the tears running down my cheeks must have somehow collided with the pictures that were being delivered to my mind and bang... i had it. an epiphany. i understood why i love to watch tv so much. because i want to be alive! i want to experience life to its fullness, good emotions and bad. the richness of life is so muted by all our... conveniences. we are all so muted. there are things that pull us out from the damp gray sea that we live in... if even for a moment. like music for example. sometimes when you listen to the right song what you feel is all the sudden amplified like a hundred times. colors seem brighter, the sky is bluer, and the scent on the wind is sweeter. it almost seems as if you have been pulled into a different reality. but what i am proposing is this... what if that is reality? what if the whole world is singing and we just arent listening? what if each of our lives are songs in themselves? what if we are so distracted by all the voices in our ears that we cant hear the music? and im not just talking about the songs that make you feel good but the sad ones too. the requiems and the dirges and the "nobody knows the trouble ive seen" kind of songs. true pain and pleasure seem to be lost in this instant gratification, living without consequences provides a life of no consequence. 

well i want to live. i want to feel it all. the bad and the good. the whole and the broken. the question and the answer. a life of mystery and adventure awaits the person who takes the unbeaten path. it takes work and patience but what i am starting to see is that its worth it. really living is really worth it. and thats the kind of life i want to offer to the people i love. because the music is always playing and we are all apart of the song. because the colors really are brighter than they seem. because we all want to be alive... even when we dont know what living is.