last night i just had to get out. i was sitting in my bed thinking about how much i just want to go home. but i kept telling myself... angela there is just nowhere to go. but around ten fifteen i just couldn't stay there any longer... i ran outside and the whole world was shaking... i got in my car and ended up driving to the revue. i just had to go home.

i ordered my camomile tea and sat in one of the back corner booths. the same one vicente likes to sit at while he's drawing pictures of my friend laura. i listened to jj heller and opened my bible... but i couldnt read... all i could do was listen.

"dont let your eyes get used to darkness
the light is coming soon
dont let your heart get used to sadness
put your hope in what is true
no matter how the wind may blow
it cannot shake the sun
lay your sorrows on the ground
its time to come back home."

and look. all i could see was the empty space across from me. there was no one there. but my mind started forming a person... i had never realized how strong my imagination was... but all of the sudden there were the hands lying on the table next to mine... there were the shoulders leaning forward and the ears turned attentively to my tears... and i could see the concern and confidence in his eyes. i reached my hand out and touched his... and instead of being angry this time... instead of asking God how much longer my imagination would be my only solace... all i felt was sorrow. and all i could do was sit there and look. well and cry. but that was a given.

so eventually my apparition of love faded away and i opened up my bible again. and you would not believe the first thing i read. i mean you would not believe it...

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,
while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

that was one of those kind of moments that changes your life. 

maybe you get it... maybe you dont. it doesnt really matter. what matters is... that empty space was full of promise. not possibility... but promise. He was there. and the fact that I couldnt see Him was all the proof i need.

i was home.

angela