princess

inside of me i have always wanted to be a princess. you know a beautiful maiden who runs around in a feild full of flowers and sings with the birds. full of sweetness and purity and beauty. now, i am under the recognization that every little girl just like myself probably dreams for the same thing. but not everyone can be princesses can they? i dont know. i do know on the other hand, that a princess is exactly what i am not. i am all jagged around the edges and my voice cracks at the high notes and there are definately no fields of flowers anywhere near me. but with that understanding in mind... i cant decide what to do. do i let go of the dream, do i realize that its all a fairy tale and wake up to the real world? or do i continue to live under the belief that i might someday magically become the princess i wish to be? what is the real world?
i have come to know and expect that nothing truly good can happen to me or my family. thats just how it has been. i go to sleep one night and the next morning i wake up to find chaos and tears and tragedy. my mother has been beaten, abused, demeaned, manipulated, torn down by so many men, now she is married for the fourth time and i just couldnt see how it could be truly good. i mean how sad is that that i dont even believe in true love anymore? but i am starting to see some really good stuff coming out of their marriage and it almost frightens me. it challenges the way i think. is it really possible that something could be good and true and not a lie, not a pleasant mask that hide a monster of deception and theivery? everyday i realize that i am even more messed up than i thought i was. today i discovered that i do not believe in love, good things, happiness, and i most certainly do not believe that anyone could love me. i look down at myself and all i see is ugliness, distortion, selfishness, and pride. who taught me that? who made me look at myself that way?
the other thing i know about princess, is that even through years of being locked up in a tower, even through years of working and slaving for her evil stepmother, a princess never gives up hope, never gives up on her dreams. she always knows in her heart that her prince will come.
but on the issue of my hope, on the issue of my dreams, even the Lord Almighty has been silent. when i ask the ceiling if i am beautiful, there is no reply. there is no reply from anyone. at the end of the day i feel like maybe there is just nobody out there who thinks i am worth the pursuit, worth the trouble. today i saw myself in so many revealing lights, and i can find no reason or justification within my being to believe i am anything other than a experiment in dreamers gone wrong, and i am just simply going to have to accept that there is no fairy tale waiting for me on the other side of this mess. to me, to me that almost means there is nothing worth living for. and that may sound totally stupid to you because maybe you dont give a damn about princess and flowers and singing. but i do. this is who i am. and you can go live in your real world while i die in mine.