broken heart.

honestly... i cant really see how this is going to work. i mean i kind of can... but not really. i am not meant for such harsh realities... i am a bubble floating in a toothpick world. but really though... i am quite sad. i feel like all my apple tree climbing memories are falling into a black hole of immaturity and bad timing. i dont want to admit it... but i am a mess. i keep crying all day and i almost fell down the stairs and my whole body is riddled with disapoinment and broken heart sorrows. my dreams and my desires are made of glass. the hardest thing about this for me is i am tired. its been a long and hard two years and i am ready for this wilderness to be over, i am ready to be rescued from the desert place. i feel like i need a break. i need a period of abundant blessing and overflowing joy. but i am sure everybody wants that all the time, and i have come to understand that Gods purpose is fufilled in the wilderness just as much as in the good times. sometimes even more. so what i really want is what God wants, because i know what He wants is better than what i want. but i will admit to you, and to Him, that there are my times that my heart just yearns for peacefullness and rest. i ask for so much from the Lord. i ask for humility, wisdom, comfort, protection, eyes to see and ears to hear, the ability to love those who hate me, strength, intimacy. i ask to hear His voice. i ask for rest. i cant see the answers. i dont have a vision of his glory. i am not holding on very well. but still there is seed inside my heart that is growing... and its roots are breaking through the walls of sorrow and my heart is becoming this secret garden i cant even see. i am convinced that in the center of my soul resides the holy spirit... and slowly... like a plant... the word of truth and the love of christ is permeating throughout my heart. maybe perhaps... i cant quite see the effects yet because like a seed, the first stages of growth are underground and flower are a long way away. maybe. thats what i have to believe... that is what i have to hold on to. that the word of God is true and the transformation is real and the day of reconciliation has already come and is yet to come. nonetheless... what i wouldnt give for a day at the spa.