sometimes i feel like ok... this is really really hard but everything is going to be ok even though i dont understand how. and then other times i am like... this is crushing me, i cant breathe, and i cant get out from under it. fear sweeps over me like a buzzard over dry desert lands. I feel like darkness is chasing me, calling my name, i feel ravished by unseen evils and compromises. I dont feel safe, protected, or loved at all. and i feel so ashamed at my unbelief. i mean i know God loves me unconditionally, is my portion, my light, my life, my breath, why cant i live it? why cant i feel it? why in the middle of the night do i just want tomorrow to be over again and again until there are no more days left. just have a good time. just relax. just stop thinking about it. i always tell myself. and i pretend like im not lost beyond reason and i dont think these thoughts late at night. we all do. we all have the secret pains and fears that dont go away. maybe. maybe some of us dont. maybe some of us have grown out of the voices in our heads. maybe for some of us the horror movie in our minds has already stopped its continous loop and weve settled down to working and dreaming and living. my story has been the same for two years now... sad little depressed girl, cant seen to find her place in the world, hesitating to even try. if she had a nickel for every abandoment issue she had shed pay people just to listen to her sing her sad song in C minor. same old story, same old song as the rest of the world. exept for maybe more pathetic because she has been offered a hope she wont even take hold of... like a drowning girl refusing a lifesaver. but when wet hair and swirling waters are all this girl has ever know, sometimes she has no idea how to even hold on to the lifesaver with her raisin fingers and hypothermic spirit. and when she finds herself so deep beneath the rapids she was born into... beyond the reach of the lifesaver...

and thats where our story lies at a standstill. what happens then? does a hand reach out from the deep and pull her lower than the waters can even flow? or does a fire come that burns even the waters away? do the tears on the bathroom wall mean more than condensation?

angela