one day you wake up and your life is a nightmare in 3D in the imax theatre. the next day you wake up your cinderella in her tower room singing of the days when her dreams will come true. and sometimes your the lily in a desert... a shining star in a vast black universe... perfectly unique and utterly unstoppable. last night i cried myself to sleep... drempt of invasion and ravishing of innocence... and woke up in tears. then i said to myself... no more... i dont care what the enemy throws in my face... i am going to stand in faith of something i cannot see... Lord Jesus you are holy and kind and faithful forever and your love for me conquers all things. so i did. and i prayed. and i prayed. and i tried so hard to smile. and to show love and kindness. and though my heart was pained at the recent events and circumstances i told myself that it is possible things might not get better soon... it may be a very long time... but God loves me always. but then... my mind lost it. my stomach started hurting, my mind was reeling with pressures from all around me... i was mean to my friend... too nice to another one... and then i prayed. surrendered. God i dont know what to do... Lord Jesus please help me because i know my ways are not your ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. and i lost it more. and i prayed more. and here i am. wedged between joy and despair... illusion and reality. when i pray to my God does He listen? how... when i beg for his protection can he let the enemy enter into my mind? I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE ANY BETTER!! i just wish i could shout... scream. im giving it all im got... and still i am sick, failing, and alone. i dont know what to believe because it seems like everything i think is wrong. ive been very sad for quite some time now... maybe about two years. and slowly... ive noticed... there are less and less people in my life who care enough to be my friend anyway. everything i say is immature... why give you my advice or input when it wouldnt matter to you anyway? ok now im just ranting... im just sick. and wondering if there are any arms out there willing to give me a big fat and very long hug... cause that is what i need right now. or at least i think so. some strong, slightly hairy, masculine arms. ones with large hands attached and well defined features. muscles, warmth, and good smells.
i cant stop crying. at all. i just do all the time, everyday, for a long time and no matter what i do i cant stop. maybe i just need to go up to heaven now... mabye i dont really have that much to offer anyone. yeah. sorry so long.