broken vessel

sometimes... its just one big sugar high replaced by dehydration replaced by stress stomache cycle. why does God want you if you are so messed up. this morning i woke up thinking... man... i really dont want to go to class today. i almost didnt go. but instead i started singing... "lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour" i missed my first class because of my hesitation but i got to the other ones... joyfully i might add. finally excited to be doing something that might be pleasing to the Lord. smile on my face... i struggled to the generally unpleasant day... came home... went back out to work... came home without making a penny... and then had a long conversation with my friend. but something set me off... in all that time... during all that trying... something set me off. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO FEEL DEPRAVED. the higher i get... the stronger the feeling. i didnt even enjoy what i ended up doing. i didnt even want to do it. i just hated the idea of doing the right thing. what is wrong with me seriously? there will always be those leftover thoughts at the end of the day that you wont even tell the people closest to you that you have. there will always be those weaknesses you wont admit you struggle with until you conquer them. and what is the point of telling anyone anything anyway... you honestly think they will be as forthcoming with you? and now i will go to bed with scarred images in my mind and fear in my heart and what happens tomorrow morning... i cry out Immanuel God with us and hope that today will be the end of end of this problem. sometimes i just get plain tired of being a broken vessel. do we let the enemy into our lives or does he demand his own presence? sometimes the little steps are so small you cant even see them. sorry... babbling... not that i have even posted in forever. im just tired.