Deep Sea Diving

i wonder if there is any clarity left to be found. i wonder if my message is more than just dissonance and jumbled words. if i am saying something that you cant understand, because the idea is too big, or the words too ambitious, i am the one with the problem, not you. i am the one that lacks wisdom, knowledge, faith. i was born in to the world to carry the beauty of the most high God, but rather i drag around garbage and leave some behind when i go away. it doesnt matter how much i love you, it doesnt matter if i sing my song over your soul, it doesnt matter if i lay at your feet word pictures or expressions of gratitude. there is a brokeness inside of me that doesnt get washed away when the rain falls or burned away when the fire roars. and there is a reality to the fact that i am only writing this to myself because it is by hearing too much that ears go deaf and it is the repetition of a story that causes it to lose its meaning. and mine has become utter nonsense. in a way i have kind of accepted it. i fought and fought for so long. "it matters! it hurts! it shouldnt be this way!" maybe it doesnt matter what should and shouldnt be, maybe i was wrong. maybe it doesnt hurt, maybe im an emotional hypochondriac. it doesnt matter how much i love you. i used to believe that nothing within me was hidden. that i was a treasure chest floating on top of an ocean, readily available to those who would only go out on the water. but now i know differently, i am deep, deep on the bottom of an ocean, where light does not reach. it requires strength enough to part the sea to discover the mystery of my inmost being. but what does all these lofty images mean anyway? nothing to me. for i am the smallest chest on the bottom of the deepest ocean, and my friends are the electric deep sea fishes and the occasional sunken ship.

p.s. there is one note i would like to add to this post. i am sorry, i am so sorry. i am out of ideas of how to change. it was never my ideas that mattered in the first place anyway.