So... I'm watching this awesome show and it inspired me to post my "transformation" goal:)
60lbs.
Not even that much right? Here we go:)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 9, 2010
Growing Pains
I feel trapped between the person I am and the person I am becoming. Could I be experiencing growing pains of the soul? In the confusion of it all I sometimes feel almost like I have no identity at all.
Its almost like there are two contrasting realities within me. And I can't decide which one is real. And so everyday I bounce and switch between the two, the resulting effect being chaos and constant misdirection. One day, I wake up and I'm deeply confident in my hope for the future, not because of my own propensity for success, but because I trust in faithfulness of the Lord to carry out His promises. I feel joy, and excitement, and comfort. But by that afternoon, the whole world can turn itself inside out. One emotional misstep leads to another and eventually I can't even remember why I got up that morning and why I ever believed that I could do anything at all. Eventually, in minutes, hours, or even days, I will my find way back to the Lord. And then cycle repeats itself over again.
If my life is a journey, right now I have lost myself in the desert somewhere and I am walking in a circle.
How can anyone live like that? I mean its not really living at all, its surviving. It doesn't come anywhere near the abundance of life that is promised to those who love Him. It is not the example of joy that is needed to convince the world of His power and love.
But God is speaking to my soul. I can hear Him saying that its time to let go of the me I am and finally be the me I am becoming. I think is what growing pains feel like. Every time I get close to letting go of my fear, and my self-loathing, and my pride, and my laziness, I start to get really uncomfortable. And I throw myself back into the things I used to be. Everything there makes sense. But when I find myself in the presence of the All Consuming Fire, it seems that shall never be able to understand anything at all. He is so vast, and His love is so beyond comprehension. When I stand there in His presence, it is like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over and ocean of infinite size and depth. He is terrible, and merciful, and holy. One touch from Him can change everything. One word from His mouth can give life, or take it away. Does anybody ever think about the kind of God they worship? When we pray, do we truly realize what kind of God we are talking to?
I just don't know if I can be in His presence. Part of me says that I could never be worthy, I could never be holy enough to be anywhere near Him without being completely destroyed. I mean not even Moses could see His face... but rather only saw His back passing by. I am definitely not Moses. I am just Angela.
But of course I know that my own righteousness is of no consequence in His eyes because of the sacrifice made by His son. Christianity 101 right? Well maybe understanding that and actually applying that to your faith are two different things. I mean we all know that we have been saved from our sins right? But for many of us there is still so much conflict between our flesh and our soul that the lines between "saint" and "sinner" remain quite blurry for us. So many of us who have been "freed from sin" still live in sin. We still struggle with the idea of a God who is both merciful and just. And to make that conflict all the more real, those of us who believe in Christianity as a relationship and not a religion, have the struggle of finding intimacy with a God that we cannot understand. So fear and love weave in and out of our lives, breeding both joy and sorrow.
I don't know, maybe I am the only one who takes this kind of stuff so seriously. But it is because there is another desire working its way through my heart. There is another part of me that says I can do nothing but be in His presence. That I want nothing else but to be in His presence. That is it more important to me than food, than water, than the very air I breathe. That I would give my whole life on this earth, for just one day in His presence. There is no other dream, no other desire, no other purpose, which matters more to me.
I'm pretty sure that puts on the edge of insanity by the world's standards. Heck, by modern Christianity's standards. We are taught in the Church these days that we are slowly climbing the ladder of spiritual maturity, slowly conquering one sin at a time on our way to righteousness. We are taught to live balanced, normal, good Christian lives. We aren't taught anything about desire. About hunger. About the unwillingness to live in a world where Christians aren't the constantly challenging the status quo with God's love.
I know the spiritual back and forth I put myself through is not healthy. But I am starting to understand that there are deeper questions, deeper issues, at the root of the problem. I am not normal, and I am not entirely sane, but at least the status quo of my life is constantly being challenged. Maybe that is what it is going to take for me to grow. Maybe God need to shake everything that can be shaken within me. At the end of the day I have to believe that He has a purpose for this stage of my life.
I know my blogs are incredibly personal and revealing. And for a while I was like, "Well maybe I shouldn't blog like this anymore, it kind of freaks people out." But what I have realized is that people need to talk about this kind of stuff. Christians especially. We need to face the questions that we have inside of us, the ones that threaten to crumble our faith at the next crisis life brings. The cracks in our foundations. Maybe we all need to just sit down and share with someone we trust about cracks in our foundations. To be honest about where we are in our faith, and the doubts that stand waiting in the wings of our hearts for the opportunity to destroy us. To rethink, to challenge, the status quo of our lives. To allow ourselves to experience uncomfortable, but unmistakably necessary, growing pains.
Its almost like there are two contrasting realities within me. And I can't decide which one is real. And so everyday I bounce and switch between the two, the resulting effect being chaos and constant misdirection. One day, I wake up and I'm deeply confident in my hope for the future, not because of my own propensity for success, but because I trust in faithfulness of the Lord to carry out His promises. I feel joy, and excitement, and comfort. But by that afternoon, the whole world can turn itself inside out. One emotional misstep leads to another and eventually I can't even remember why I got up that morning and why I ever believed that I could do anything at all. Eventually, in minutes, hours, or even days, I will my find way back to the Lord. And then cycle repeats itself over again.
If my life is a journey, right now I have lost myself in the desert somewhere and I am walking in a circle.
How can anyone live like that? I mean its not really living at all, its surviving. It doesn't come anywhere near the abundance of life that is promised to those who love Him. It is not the example of joy that is needed to convince the world of His power and love.
But God is speaking to my soul. I can hear Him saying that its time to let go of the me I am and finally be the me I am becoming. I think is what growing pains feel like. Every time I get close to letting go of my fear, and my self-loathing, and my pride, and my laziness, I start to get really uncomfortable. And I throw myself back into the things I used to be. Everything there makes sense. But when I find myself in the presence of the All Consuming Fire, it seems that shall never be able to understand anything at all. He is so vast, and His love is so beyond comprehension. When I stand there in His presence, it is like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over and ocean of infinite size and depth. He is terrible, and merciful, and holy. One touch from Him can change everything. One word from His mouth can give life, or take it away. Does anybody ever think about the kind of God they worship? When we pray, do we truly realize what kind of God we are talking to?
I just don't know if I can be in His presence. Part of me says that I could never be worthy, I could never be holy enough to be anywhere near Him without being completely destroyed. I mean not even Moses could see His face... but rather only saw His back passing by. I am definitely not Moses. I am just Angela.
But of course I know that my own righteousness is of no consequence in His eyes because of the sacrifice made by His son. Christianity 101 right? Well maybe understanding that and actually applying that to your faith are two different things. I mean we all know that we have been saved from our sins right? But for many of us there is still so much conflict between our flesh and our soul that the lines between "saint" and "sinner" remain quite blurry for us. So many of us who have been "freed from sin" still live in sin. We still struggle with the idea of a God who is both merciful and just. And to make that conflict all the more real, those of us who believe in Christianity as a relationship and not a religion, have the struggle of finding intimacy with a God that we cannot understand. So fear and love weave in and out of our lives, breeding both joy and sorrow.
I don't know, maybe I am the only one who takes this kind of stuff so seriously. But it is because there is another desire working its way through my heart. There is another part of me that says I can do nothing but be in His presence. That I want nothing else but to be in His presence. That is it more important to me than food, than water, than the very air I breathe. That I would give my whole life on this earth, for just one day in His presence. There is no other dream, no other desire, no other purpose, which matters more to me.
I'm pretty sure that puts on the edge of insanity by the world's standards. Heck, by modern Christianity's standards. We are taught in the Church these days that we are slowly climbing the ladder of spiritual maturity, slowly conquering one sin at a time on our way to righteousness. We are taught to live balanced, normal, good Christian lives. We aren't taught anything about desire. About hunger. About the unwillingness to live in a world where Christians aren't the constantly challenging the status quo with God's love.
I know the spiritual back and forth I put myself through is not healthy. But I am starting to understand that there are deeper questions, deeper issues, at the root of the problem. I am not normal, and I am not entirely sane, but at least the status quo of my life is constantly being challenged. Maybe that is what it is going to take for me to grow. Maybe God need to shake everything that can be shaken within me. At the end of the day I have to believe that He has a purpose for this stage of my life.
I know my blogs are incredibly personal and revealing. And for a while I was like, "Well maybe I shouldn't blog like this anymore, it kind of freaks people out." But what I have realized is that people need to talk about this kind of stuff. Christians especially. We need to face the questions that we have inside of us, the ones that threaten to crumble our faith at the next crisis life brings. The cracks in our foundations. Maybe we all need to just sit down and share with someone we trust about cracks in our foundations. To be honest about where we are in our faith, and the doubts that stand waiting in the wings of our hearts for the opportunity to destroy us. To rethink, to challenge, the status quo of our lives. To allow ourselves to experience uncomfortable, but unmistakably necessary, growing pains.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Calling
What a mysterious thing. I have grappling with my calling as of late. Asking deep questions about what it means to be "called" to something or somewhere. When I left Mexico, I was almost certain that I was headed into a specific time of victory in my life. I had this feeling like, "This is my chance. I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. This is my chance to be the overcomer I have always wanted to be." I thought that was my calling.
But today sings a different tune. And I find myself compelled to find the reality hidden in its melodies. What do I really know about myself? What do I really know about my calling?
One thing I know. That I have been called to desperately hunger for God. To long, to seek, to desire Him beyond the possible, and trust in Him for impossible measures of His presence. I have been called to burn for Him. Before my petitions for His gifts, before my plans for His ministry, before my own ideas of the person He should mold me to be. And I am so very hungry. I have been set on fire, I feel it in my bones. I know it to be my unique calling.
But it doesn't speak to me in specifics. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should sign up for ten months in the pink house or move back to Mexico. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should pursue graphic design or go to seminary. And to be honest, these last four months in spiritual terms could best be described as a series of wrong turns and last minute cries for grace, not the triumphal parade that played out in my expectations. What is God trying to say?
I was so convinced that Fresno was it. That I could make a difference here. Because I love my family, I love my church, and I love the people of this city. I thought that was enough. That somehow an opportunity would emerge for me to serve, to grow, to contribute something more. Something out of what I had gained during those five months. But so far, it has been business as usual.
At first I was convinced it was because God was trying to teach me something about that first calling. About my first love. But can that be a life? Just loving God all day long, praying all day long, worshiping all day long, with absolutely no sense for where you are headed except for closer to Him? So many would say no. Just the idea of such an existence contradicts every American sensibility I have.
But all I want to do is be with Him.
So I come back to the question. What does it mean to be called? Tonight, it brings me peace to know that I don't have to have the answer to that question.
All I have to do is trust. And there is so much joy to be found in that understanding that I can so easily get lost in it and forget I was ever wondering about calling at all. I have been swept away by His love, who knows where I'm going?
But today sings a different tune. And I find myself compelled to find the reality hidden in its melodies. What do I really know about myself? What do I really know about my calling?
One thing I know. That I have been called to desperately hunger for God. To long, to seek, to desire Him beyond the possible, and trust in Him for impossible measures of His presence. I have been called to burn for Him. Before my petitions for His gifts, before my plans for His ministry, before my own ideas of the person He should mold me to be. And I am so very hungry. I have been set on fire, I feel it in my bones. I know it to be my unique calling.
But it doesn't speak to me in specifics. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should sign up for ten months in the pink house or move back to Mexico. It doesn't tell me whether or not I should pursue graphic design or go to seminary. And to be honest, these last four months in spiritual terms could best be described as a series of wrong turns and last minute cries for grace, not the triumphal parade that played out in my expectations. What is God trying to say?
I was so convinced that Fresno was it. That I could make a difference here. Because I love my family, I love my church, and I love the people of this city. I thought that was enough. That somehow an opportunity would emerge for me to serve, to grow, to contribute something more. Something out of what I had gained during those five months. But so far, it has been business as usual.
At first I was convinced it was because God was trying to teach me something about that first calling. About my first love. But can that be a life? Just loving God all day long, praying all day long, worshiping all day long, with absolutely no sense for where you are headed except for closer to Him? So many would say no. Just the idea of such an existence contradicts every American sensibility I have.
But all I want to do is be with Him.
So I come back to the question. What does it mean to be called? Tonight, it brings me peace to know that I don't have to have the answer to that question.
All I have to do is trust. And there is so much joy to be found in that understanding that I can so easily get lost in it and forget I was ever wondering about calling at all. I have been swept away by His love, who knows where I'm going?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
to thine own self be true
Here is what I have realized. You are who you are. And your problems... whatever they may be... are yours and yours alone. Thats what I need to understand.
You can't run away from them. You can't run to Mexico, you can't run to the arms of a lover, you can't even run home. Because most of them are inside of you. And you are who you are.
You can't ignore them. You can't blind your eyes with television, you can't turn your dreams towards better things, you can't pretend everything is just ok.
You can't make excuses for them. You can't say, "I'll fix myself tomorrow." or, "It's how I grew up." or even, "It's not that bad."
You can't stop being you. So whatever is inside of you... first and foremost... be honest about it. Today and everyday, "to thine own self be true."
So tomorrow, give yourself the gift of honesty. Let go of the image you've been projecting and take a good long look in the mirror. Stop trying to hide. Behind the technology. Behind the fantasy. Behind the money. Behind the lust. Behind life itself.
Tomorrow, and everyday, you are who you are.
You can't run away from them. You can't run to Mexico, you can't run to the arms of a lover, you can't even run home. Because most of them are inside of you. And you are who you are.
You can't ignore them. You can't blind your eyes with television, you can't turn your dreams towards better things, you can't pretend everything is just ok.
You can't make excuses for them. You can't say, "I'll fix myself tomorrow." or, "It's how I grew up." or even, "It's not that bad."
You can't stop being you. So whatever is inside of you... first and foremost... be honest about it. Today and everyday, "to thine own self be true."
So tomorrow, give yourself the gift of honesty. Let go of the image you've been projecting and take a good long look in the mirror. Stop trying to hide. Behind the technology. Behind the fantasy. Behind the money. Behind the lust. Behind life itself.
Tomorrow, and everyday, you are who you are.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wow. Okay, it has been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog, and reading back over past posts I realize how great a distance I have come in how I see myself.
About a month ago I got back from a five month "discipleship training school" in Mexico. God changed everything for me. He chose that time in my life to answer some of the questions I had been asking a long long time. He chose that time to heal me of the loneliness I couldn't remember living a day without. All those "deep" things I talk about in my old posts... He became the piece that fit in all those caverns in my soul. And now I am alive. I don't know what other way to put it. Like our good friend Job says after his major encounter with the Lord...
"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Maybe thats all that needs to be said. I recant of my former statements about myself. I am uniquely beautiful... full of desire, longing, and burning for the LORD. I am not going to let the lies of the enemy overcome me anymore. So my blog wont be quite as darkly poetic as used to be, but I am new excited for this new chapter. I'm ready to share with you the things I am passionate about. Ready to engage in the conversation of how we can make this world a better place. Ready to just let myself be human, just like everybody else, and walk this life out together, doing the best we can to shine a light.
So yeah. Lets get moving.
Angela
About a month ago I got back from a five month "discipleship training school" in Mexico. God changed everything for me. He chose that time in my life to answer some of the questions I had been asking a long long time. He chose that time to heal me of the loneliness I couldn't remember living a day without. All those "deep" things I talk about in my old posts... He became the piece that fit in all those caverns in my soul. And now I am alive. I don't know what other way to put it. Like our good friend Job says after his major encounter with the Lord...
"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Maybe thats all that needs to be said. I recant of my former statements about myself. I am uniquely beautiful... full of desire, longing, and burning for the LORD. I am not going to let the lies of the enemy overcome me anymore. So my blog wont be quite as darkly poetic as used to be, but I am new excited for this new chapter. I'm ready to share with you the things I am passionate about. Ready to engage in the conversation of how we can make this world a better place. Ready to just let myself be human, just like everybody else, and walk this life out together, doing the best we can to shine a light.
So yeah. Lets get moving.
Angela
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
cognitive dissonance
it is rare occasion that i find myself so full of thoughts that they crowd themselves on their way out the door. so much is changing... so fast. my spirit goes war with my flesh as a massive, universal, but deeply personal, war wages on right on the boundaries of my understanding. its all cognitive dissonance and huge leaps. i mean... here i am... its the middle of the night... and i'm in this moment that seems to be a repeat off the hundreds of similar moments that passed before. anxiety... regret... a "i have no idea how i am going to pull this off" kind of feeling. except it feels different in that every moment brings me closer to the challenge. what was i thinking... dreaming this dream of serving in mexico. i mean... lets just be honest for a second. am in the least bit deserving of the kind of provision its going to take to get me there? no. am i ever really deserving of the air i would breathe on my way there. not really. if you even knew the amount of fights i have lost, and miserably so, i'm sure you would be embarrassed just to know me. i know i am. i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i have stepped so far out what is right, what is good, what is sensible, i hardly know what any of those things are anymore. and like the prodigal son... i have tried to "come to my senses" a hundred times over just to find myself back at the feet of idols and hour later. eventually i have to go one way or the other... right? i mean how much cognitive dissonance can a person handle before the paths between their mind and heart get completely fried? i feel like my realities are ripping themselves apart... and me with them.
how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.
the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.
how can things be so good, so true, and so hopeful... and i remain so broken, so cowardly, and so desperate. all around me i can see the glory of God... it is constantly before me... in both death and new life... in the faces of His people... in new vision and growth... in simple smiles and deeply rewarding service. i have never been in a better position to be a witness to His all-encompassing love for mankind. But i also have never been more blind to His love for me.
the questions i face are deep. and they are not just deep in their theoretical philosophical content... but they run deeply through me, to the core of who i am. if only there was just one person in my life who knew exactly how deep that was... i keep telling myself that i could find some peace. just knowing that someone else knows im here. and cares about me. and knows how real it all is to me. they don't have to know what to do or what to say or even promise to be around forever. i just need them to know. it could be any random person off the street... it doesn't matter. just the idea that another living person knows where i am... seems like it would change everything.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Fragments.
There are things that I love in this life... none of them have to do with the world.
I want to go home... in more ways than one.
I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.
Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.
Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.
Do you think I should drive in the dark?
I want to go home.
Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.
I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.
Crying at my desk.
I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.
Broken fragments.
I want to go home... in more ways than one.
I miss Jesus like I miss air, like I miss breathing, like I miss living.
Surrounded by rosebushes, sunsets, safety, and smiles.
Exchanging external light and inner darkness for inner light and external darkness.
Do you think I should drive in the dark?
I want to go home.
Maybe a seemingly hopeless world is just seen through the lens of an apathetic soul.
I thought if I just really wanted it... I could do it.
Crying at my desk.
I do it for them. But at the end I'm not sure I matter.
Broken fragments.
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